Monday, March 20, 2017

“Nerd Perv"


When it comes to superheroes I have some questions, and not your typical “who could beat who” nonsense, but rather something deeper and darker. Something’s that should possible stay hidden away like their secret identities, only to protect the innocent of course. The things I want to know are perverted, off-color and to some even downright disgusting. This is stuff we all want to know but most are too embarrassed to ask because they don’t want to come off as odd or immature, but thankfully I’m way past that so here goes.
  
Consider yourself warned like a hero who just foiled a villain’s master plan and is told by said villain that they will indeed be back to get their revenge! However, if you’re okay with that and willing to come along for the ride than buckle up and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times.  

1. Would sex with Shazam be considered statutory rape?

2. Is giving Superman oral sex the same thing as sucking on the barrel of a 
loaded 12-guage shotgun with a hair trigger? 

3. Does Aquaman bob his fish stick; spank his sea monkey, to the mermaid on the Chicken of the Sea tuna label or does he prefer women with legs who don’t feel all that fresh, you know like they’re not going to be playing tennis and/or horseback riding anytime soon?

4. Did Reed Richards get the name Mr. Fantastic because of the things he can do in the bedroom? Think about it, his junk could go from white to black in the blink of an eye! He could also act as his own condom, so you could have that raw dog feel without the risk of disease or something even worse, kids!

5. Is Stripperella's superpower that she can take in all of Tommy Lee's (Motley Crue) albino anaconda without crying? Do you think she’s working her way through superhero school?

6. Do you think that Bruce Wayne talks in the "Batman" voice when he's pleasuring himself? When he does the deed with one of his lady friends, or Robin (Holy Butt Sex, Batman) if he goes that way, do “Bat-Fight Words” like POW, BAM and KAPOW pop up? 

7. Does the Thing call his manhood the Thingie?

8. Does Stan Lee shout out, “excelsior” when he climaxes?

9. Is Ghost Rider’s bone a bone, and if so is it flaming like his head?

10. Have the Joker and Harley Quinn ever been guests on The Jerry Springer Show, and if they haven’t they totally should be, imagine all the shenanigans, chaos and ratings that would bring?



11. Do you think that the Hulk is secretly gay and afraid to come out of the closet due to fear of ridicule, thus causing all that animosity and rage towards his fellow heroes? I mean come on, who else besides a gay guy would refer to himself as “incredible”? He obviously hits the gym like a gay guy would, just check out the physique. Now if we were talking about the Blob, there would be no doubt in my mind that he’s straight. I personally think the Jade Giant has a thing (a great big green thing huh huh) for Wolverine. Speaking of dude-on-dude action, would it be consider incest if the gray and green Hulk got it on or jungle fever?

12. Do female superheroes/villains get pissed that they have to run around in next to nothing while for the most part their male counterparts are covered from head to toe? Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining about this arrangement at all, I just don’t want Wonder Woman going all Amazonian on me for being sexist.  

13. With a name like “Daredevil”, one would believe that he would have no problem utilizing all the random glory holes he finds throughout the city, am I right? He is “The man without fear” after all.

14. Does being known as, "The fastest man alive" hurt the Flash’s chances with the ladies? I’m sure no woman wants to risk a “bushfire” from all the speed and friction that dude would bring onto her lady parts.

15. Does PETA get upset when people have sex with the Beast, and speaking of which, is it considered bestiality or just some crazy fetish? 



16. Spider-man’s junk, does it shoot out your typical man’s milk when all is said and done or does it shoot out webs? Is it easier or harder to get pregnant from webs?

17. How often is Hellboy horny?

18. Do superheroes/villains dress up as regular people when they go to conventions?

19. Al Simmons (Spawn) has to be into sadomasochism and bondage, right? I mean he hangs around with a guy named “Violator” (who dresses like a clown mind you), which leaves one to wonder what it is exactly that he’s violating! Yes, Mistress Malebolgia…just saying.

20. Could Groot be the offspring of Swamp Thing and the Tree of Souls (Na'vi name: Vitraya Ramunong - Avatar)? Perhaps one day Swamp Thing shot his sap all over the tree's roots and then the next thing you know, along came Groot.

21. Is Squirrel Girl is really all about the nut or is she just a big tease?

22. Does Darkman use condoms or does he just slap on some of that synthetic skin he invented and he’s good to go? Does his manhood look like a Slim Jim? Imagine all the fun you could have role-playing with him in the bedroom!

23. I’m convinced that Handi-Man’s secret identity is none other than President Donald Trump! Think about it, who would suspect him? He openly mocks and attacks minorities and handicapped people to throw everyone off his scent. Him being a handicapped minority superhero, the only thing that would make it better is if he was Handi-Lesbian!

24. Deadshot never misses! Now with that said it must be true that he is just as accurate with his love gun as he is with a real gun, right? They both shoot projectiles and depending on the circumstances both are just as dangerous. If he happens to get a female pregnant, or glue her eye shut it's because he meant to do that shit, no excuses. I can only imagine the kind of trouble this guy gets into. I do wonder if his sperm is just as lethal, for example could they get someone pregnant and also give them an abortion at the same time?

25. Do you think Cable sometimes masturbates with his metal hand so that he can pretend he’s getting a handjob by a robot? 

‘Nuff Said.

Well there you have it, some of the strange and unusual things that dwell in the depths of my ever-so-perverted mind. I can’t be alone here, but who else is going to openly admit to wondering these things too? Feel free to let me know your thoughts and to share any questions on the topic you may have. 

MJM

Monday, February 22, 2016

“Nerdy by Nature: Deadpool, The Walking Dead and Call of Duty”


First things first, here are my credentials and why you should listen to me as if I was Charles Manson and you one of my family.

I’ve been a nerd since as far back as I can remember. Sported superhero underoos and PJs once I was out of diapers, and still do to this day. While my friends (and by friends I mean siblings and other kids whose parents felt sorry for me and made them play with me), were outside playing sports I was inside chilling with a dungeon master. As we sipped on some cool refreshing Tang we adventured out into the land of make-believe, and I’m not talking about Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood here, we journeyed to places filled with such vile and disgusting creatures that it made the Democratic/Republican debates look like beauty pageants. 
  
I collected action figures (not dolls). I played video games as if they were my meth and I their addict. The only books I read had more men in tights than a RuPaul party. Watched cartoons like how Republicans watch Fox News. While artists like Michael Jackson and Madonna blasted from other people’s radios, I was jamming out to “Weird Al” Yankovic on my Sony Walkman. The list can go on and on, but I’m sure by now you get the picture.

If it was something that you would likely get beaten up and/or ridiculed for partaking in, that was my scene. Well at least back in the day it was, because somehow we went from Revenge of the Nerds to The Big Bang Theory, now instead of nerds being picked on they are looked upon like rockstars. How times change.

Secondly, you are about to enter the danger zone! Well okay not the danger zone necessarily, but at least the potential spoiler zone, so tread lightly. I separated the sections to make things easier, that way if you haven’t seen and/or played something and you didn’t want it spoiled, you could just hop over it like Frogger.

Here we go…




“Deadpool”

The Deadpool video game is totally worth playing, especially if you’re a fan. If you haven’t checked it out yet, you definitely should. Sure the camera could use a little work, but overall a gaming experience totally worth having.

Next, which could actually be first, all depending on your desire to see it in the theaters or on Blu-ray, watch the Deadpool movie! It is hands down one of the best superdude (he doesn’t like being called a hero and considering how he’s not playing with a full deck and packing a shitload of weapons I don’t really think it’s best to insult the man) movies to come along, like in forever.

The action is awesome, funny as hell and full of lots of comic booky goodness and Easter eggs galore. Sure the story is kind of predictable and a little cliché at times, but unless you’re possessed by the spirits of Siskel and Ebert, you don’t go to a movie like this expecting to be blown away by the story.

Just in case I may have scared some of you away from seeing this movie, making you think you had to be a fan of Mr. Pool and his comic books prior to seeing it to fully enjoy it and/or a fan of superheroes in general, there is nothing further from the truth. From the novice to the expert, there is something here for everyone and a guaranteed good time.  

** Disclaimer, this isn’t Spider-man, it’s rated R for a reason, so I wouldn’t recommend bringing the wee little ones to see it. **




“The Walking Dead”

For the record, I’m only talking about the television show here, season six in particular, not the comic book. I have never read any of the books in the series, maybe one day but as of right now not one, so please keep that in mind when reading what I have written. 

I cannot honestly say I was a fan from the beginning. I entered the mix pre-badass Carol, she was still taking punches from her old man and not scaring the shit out of children, you know picking flowers instead of telling people to look at them. After catching an episode one Sunday night when I had no more football to watch, I quickly realized how kick-ass it was and got instantly hooked like a largemouth bass, and the rest is history.

Now here comes season six, which I anxiously anticipated like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. Tuned in every week like the good little viewer I was, even stayed afterwards to watch Talking Dead. However, something was awry in Alexandria, and I’m not referring to those overly annoying neighbors of everyone’s favorite walker killing badasses, Rick and the Rickites.
  
The Walking Dead was becoming one of "those" shows. Michael Bay-esque style explosions for no other reason than because they can. We have people dying for nothing more than shock value, only later to be revealed that they weren't really dead to begin with, and now leaving us to question whether a death is real or a sham. Those ever so predictable characters that are only thrown into the story to be walker chow, for example the Anderson family, because we all know that if they were on Star Trek their shirts would be red.

The only thing missing is the evil twin and we’ll have ourselves a soap opera! I love the show, but season six is definitely leaving me scratching my head in confusion and concern (and no it’s not lice). It’s like Night of the Living Dead and Kill Bill had a baby, and not a cute baby either, but rather one so ugly it’ll make a train take a dirt road. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that things will end on a high note, but as of right now this season is my least favorite of the series.




“Call of Duty”

I don’t have a problem with the game as a whole, or even Activision’s desire to milk that cash cow dry, because honestly I would do the same thing if I was in their shoes. My problem, like many other gamers, lies with the multiplayer aspect, mainly with all those little bitches and bastards who would make Damien look like a saint. Sure not all are bad and disruptive, but unfortunately most are, and we all know that one bad wipe spoils the britches.

I don’t claim to be any good, truthfully I can’t even hold my own, I just enjoy playing the game. I know if they had to pick multiplayer teams I would be picked last and I’m perfectly cool with that. I even understand the competitive aspect of it, and having me on the team would definitely hinder that, so I get some people wanting to go all Tasmanian devil on me. Now with that said, I can’t stand when these gits treat me like I’m the new kid in town, as if it’s my first time holding a controller.
  
I may not have all the time in the world to game nowadays (stupid adult responsibilities), and when it comes to certain games I may just be a born-again noob (or an old school noob), but I’ve been playing video games while most of these fuggers were still, what Michael Phelps would do in a pool and another name for dad squirrel’s lunch bag (I’m trying not to be vulgar here). That in a “nut” shell is what drives me cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs in regards to the online community in those games. Does this make me sound like a cranky old gamer, I’m sure it does, but those youngins’ need to learn respect for their elders…and to stay off my lawn!

These fools need to be visited by a Mr. O.J. Simpson…and remember if the NES Power Glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit! They think they’re all hot poop because they can mow down people like they were grass on the virtual battlefield, but let’s see how they do with Ghosts ‘n Goblins or Battletoads.

The End...

There you have it, the first chapter in the Nerdy by Nature saga, and possibly the last depending on how well this piece is received. Feel free to let me know what you think, even if it is ripping me a new one, just please be gentle because I really don’t like things by my old one. 

MJM

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

“I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night and Party (with Karina Kantas) Every Day”


Hello out there all you donkey kicking mo’ fuggers out there in cyberspace! First off, thank you so very much for stopping by “The Nerdy Side of Life” blog, you all freaking rock and I greatly appreciate it. Secondly, please welcome my very special guest Karina Kantas to our ranks, and make sure to show her some much deserved love. Here’s more about her, check it out and feel free to ask questions.

Take it away Karina Kantas (or Miss Kantas if you’re nasty)…


With my love for rock music and S.E.Hinton's YA novels, it's no surprise my first novel was in the rebel teen fiction genre. My following novels are MC thrillers. But those that have read my short story collections Heads & Tales and UNDRESSED know I'm not just a "one genre" author.

Born in the midlands UK, I grew up in a poor, rough area of town and used my writing to escape an unsettling reality. Delving deep into my characters' minds and hearts, I give my readers thought provoking and sometimes dark and violent story-lines.

I have over thirty publications including book reviews, film reviews, poetry and articles.

Nominated top ten of female authors of biker fiction, my horror story Crossed, also won the first prize in an International Short Story contest. 

With an International fan base, you can find me on popular network sites such as Twitter and Facebook where I'm only too happy to interact with my readers.

No matter what genre of fiction I write, you'll always hear loud rock music playing while I work, as it allows me to fade away and become one with my characters.

Don't except happy endings in my novels as I write about real life.

What you will get is exciting story-lines that will have you glued to the pages and desperate for more.

I live on the beautiful Island of Corfu with my Greek husband and two daughters.

Karina Kantas

Here’s what has been said about her works…

In Times of Violence

“It’s about love, respect and the feeling of belonging.”
Jade’s infatuation with Marcus, head of the Tyrants, leads to a dangerous situation.

‘I was able to see part of myself with the decisions they made.’

‘Excellent storyline, riveting read.’

‘It’s amazing. I love the rawness of it.’





Huntress

Sofi thinks she can walk into an outlaw MC and kill the president. But once she enters the wolves’ den there is no escape.
Love and revenge entwine in this raw emotional thriller.

‘Absolutely loved this book.’

‘A gritty story of revenge.’

‘Sad when it finished. It left me wanting more.’





Lawless Justice

Time for the boys to ride bitch.
These Kittnz have claws!
Six empowering women that own the night.

‘A story like you’ve never read before.’

‘This book goes to work kicking ass.’

‘Violent, sexy, moving.’







Road Rage

Gem learns too late that the sponsored racing club, RAGE are no different to the outlaw MC she escaped from.

‘A thrilling nerve tingling ride.”

‘This book doesn’t slow down. Detailed and colorfully twisted.

“Vivid and captivating. The sex and violence just adds depth.’






Cover designed by Stephen Blundell

Well…pretty frigging awesome, right? Great things are yet to come from her; I have no doubt about that. Keep your eyes peeled for what’s to come, and don’t forget to support her and her work if you enjoyed what she had to say here. I know I will, because I am a fan for sure.



MJM

Friday, July 10, 2015

“…And Now for the Entertainment News”


Since Hollywood doesn’t seem to have an original thought left in its head, they decided to start a new genre and to see where it goes from there.

Please welcome horror porn into the mix!

Honestly most horror movies are only a few naked women away from being a porno anyways, so this actually makes perfect sense if you think about it.

First movie in this new genre to star Ron Jeremy as the killer, because we all know if looks could kill this dude would be a lethal weapon, a real killing machine.

He will play Fatty Krueger in the upcoming film “A Nightmare on Skeet Street”.

While Freddy has a glove with four knives, Fatty will be sporting only one, and it will be hanging off the end of his junk.

Gives new meaning to the whole “Naked and Afraid” thing, doesn’t it?

When it comes to the film’s score.

Just imagine the Friday the 13th theme with a woman in the background moaning in ecstasy, talk about music to your ears.


Fox Studios to bring the hit sitcom “What's Happening” to theaters next summer, with Kanye West (Mr. Kim Kardashian if you’re nasty) to star as the wisecracking Dee Thomas.

Kanye is also up for the role of the extremely irritating alien Jar Jar Binks in the next installment of the Star Wars movies.

This decision did not come about because he is a great actor, but more so because he is just as annoying and makes about as much sense when he opens his mouth as Mr. Binks does.

Needless to say fans were not pleased with this casting choice, especially after he took it upon himself to jump up on stage when Chewbacca was accepting the award for “best space furry”, beating out the Ewoks and Tribbles, just to express his disgust with the (space) academy over their choice.

Apparently he thought the dogs from “Space Buddies” should have won because, and I quote, “Those doggies are just so gosh darn adorable and when they lick my face it reminds me of Kim”.


Now onto the “boob tube”, and in this particular case I mean that literally.

CNN decided instead of just allowing boobs to fill up their channel with inane ramblings about topics they know absolutely nothing about, they would show actual boobs, like the ones women have.


Some of the new shows to premier soon are “Boob Watch”, which is just Bay Watch without all the Hasselhoff crap, and the game show “The Price is Right…for Boobs” with Bob Barker as the host.

They are also considering changing the name of the channel from the Cable News Network (CNN) to Boobs “R” Awesome (BRA), which they think would be more fitting for their new format.


A hidden camera show will soon be upon us, called “Blue and Red”, and only to air during an election.

Once you cast your vote, the host will jump out and yell, “You’ve been veto’ed” and smack you upside your head.

All the viewers would get a good laugh at you, Democrat or Republican, left or right, whatever side it is that you so blindly choose to align yourself with, for believing anything the candidates say/promise and/or for buying into their hype machine (Change, yeah right).


A new reality show to soon hit the airwaves called, "Fat People in Florida".
The premise is simple, a bunch of fat people outside in the Florida heat, see who can last the longest without going inside to the AC.

The winner to receive an all-expense paid trip to the fabulous Golden Coral negative four star restaurant in beautiful Tampa, Florida.

Thankfully considering the average belly size here in good old Florida, there is no shortage of contestants.


Continuing on with what’s to come in the world of reality television.
"So You Think You Can Make Whoopee" to debut this Fall on NBC, with judges Jenna Jameson, Monica Lewinsky and Bill Cosby, who comes packing a Pez dispenser filled with prescription Quaaludes.

Talk about must see TV.


Survivor is back, this time in America, so get ready to not only watch, but also participate in the all new Survivor America!


Forget an Island, we're going for ratings here, your ass is voted off the continent!

We are all contestants, and instead of a cash prizes, the winners get a piece of mind knowing that they are bettering the country, and raising the overall national IQ.

Each week we vote to castoff one person, like for example that donut licking, American hating Ariana Grande…just saying.

Thankfully our country is full of idiots and morons, someone is always doing something crazy (i.e. Jason Pierre-Paul, Al Sharpton, Donald Trump, just to name a few), so this show will be on the airwaves for a very long time to come.


Finally on the reality television front, we have a new romantic series in the works that will debut soon on ABC.

The show is called, “Who Wants to Marry a Divorced Millionaire Bachelor Model Who's Cheating on the Mother of His Six Kids with a Wannabe Celebrity Who Will Do Anything to be in the Spotlight. **cough** Tila Tequila **cough**


During a recent promotional event for the show, an executive at ABC was asked what he thought about it, he stated that he was very pleased, thought it reflected strong family values and high standards, just none of that sinful gay stuff because of course they are trying to keep things sanctified.


Now for a little bit of music news.

Axel Rose not happy with the performance of Guns N’ Roses last album (Chinese Democracy for those of you who stopped following them in the 90s), decided it was time for drastic measures, that is if he ever hoped to be rocking arenas again and not performing at Bar Mitzvahs anymore.

He decided it was time for another all covers album, this time to feature theme songs from popular television shows.

Selections that have already been confirmed are, The Golden Girls theme, The Facts of Life theme and the ever rocking Brady Bunch theme.


Nirvana is reuniting and planning a worldwide tour!

I know what you’re thinking, how could this be, especially since the last time we saw Kurt Cobain he was sucking on the barrel of a shotgun.

Well the other two surviving members are planning on exhuming his body and doing it Weekend at Bernie's style.

They are calling the tour, The Smells like Teen Unwashed Ass Tour.

Get your tickets now because they are going fast, how fast you ask, they will come and go quicker than Courtney Love’s career.


Well that’s all for me, and now, here's Ollie Williams with the Blackuweather Forecast. Ollie?


MJM

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

“Genetically Mutated, Undead Super-Humans on a Plane? When Sharks Fly!”

Welcome to the world of “Sky Sharks”…what is that you ask, well read on and all your questions will be answered, and then some.

We all know that Jaws made you afraid to go into the water; well these high-flying beasts who come equip with rows of razor-sharp teeth, a full arsenal of death-dealing weapons and genetically mutated, undead super-human pilots will make you afraid to go into the sky…and just about anywhere else for that matter.


Sky Sharks is like Jaws on meth, makes it look like a swim in the kiddie pool.

Check out the interview below, and when all is said and done, do yourself a huge favor and check out the trailer for this soon-to-be “greatest cult movie off all-time”, trust me you won’t be disappointed!


Also check out the team’s Kickstarter page, and if you happen to be so fortunate enough to donate then please do, but if you’re not in a position to, then please help them spread the word so that they can get this project completed.

All questions are answered by the fantastic Mr. Marc Fehse, the projects director, and the best thing to come along to the film world since the movie camera itself.


(Please remember there is a little bit of a language barrier, English is not his native tongue, so keep that in mind when you’re reading)

Lights, Camera, Action…

1. How did an insanely awesome project such as this come about?

Marc Fehse: You need to dream, and when you wake…remember. ;) 

Then you need someone who shares your passion for movies like this!

2. Flying sharks, Nazi zombies and buckets full of blood, the only thing missing here is nudity…please tell me there will be nudity, preferably of the female kind?

Marc Fehse: Is the Pope Catholic? 

Sure, and a lot of it. 

We some good sex scenes, beach scenes, shower scenes etc…you know what I mean, knick – knack! ;)

3. Could you please make this into a video game, or at least a ride at Universal Studios?

Marc Fehse: I would love to make a videogame out of it. I got an idea to start with an App game for all mobile devices.

4. What other films have you been associated with, because honestly after seeing this gem (trailer only obviously since it’s not yet been released, but I can’t wait for the final product and I have no doubt I won’t be disappointed) I personally would love to check out your other work?

Marc Fehse: With all I like, you need to know that I have been a great film fan since I was 8 years old, starting with Super 8 doing stop motion movies.

Now, back to your question, we will put in a lot blood, action, nudity, shark rides, air fights, Vietnam War scenes, WW2 war scenes and much more….and I really hope you like the end result!

5. Please tell us that you have more great ideas like this in the pipeline and/or scheduled for the future, pretty please with cheddar cheese?

Marc Fehse: For Sure. We started making feature movies back in 1996 with an indi zombie Nazi flick called “Mutation”.

We did a road buddy movie called “Sex,Dogz and Rock n Roll” and we worked on "Spores".

The people want Sky Sharks now, so we will work later on Spores to finish it.

I got so many ideas and concepts, so please don’t worry, there will be more coming out soon. ;)

6. We all know that Hollywood is full of a bunch of elitist bitches and bastards, who wouldn’t know a good movie if it feel out of the sky and hit them on the head.

Now with that said, it goes without saying that this masterpiece will surely go unrecognized by the so-called critics and mainstream award shows which the masses live and die by.

I was just wondering if you would accept my little league baseball trophy for all your hard work and originality?

I know it’s not much but it’s all I have, and I really want to show you my appreciation for you trying something new and different in a world full of unambitious and lackluster movie makers. 

Marc Fehse: It will be an honor for me! 

7. With Hollywood full of remakes, reboots and 80s nostalgia out the ass, it’s a breath of fresh air to see something like Sky Sharks come around, that should make you feel proud, so does it?

Marc Fehse: On one side yes, but on the other side I understand that the studios will be save with their investments, but I do agree so many boring reboots and sequels coming out and we think, “hey man there so many good scripts out there, give them a try”!

8. Will there be a 3D version of the film released…please say yes?

Marc Fehse: We thought of shooting in Stereoscopic, but it is very tough to do work with, but we think a good conversation of it will be cool!

9. I know it hasn’t even been released yet, but if Sky Sharks does well will there be a sequel? **Fingers crossed**

Marc Fehse: Yes, I have a lot of cool Ideas for it. ;)

10. What an amazing cast of characters you have in this movie, such wonderful actors and actresses, what was it like working with this incredible talent?

Marc Fehse: It was a pleasure to work with people who know their jobs.

When you need to work with a short time period, you need actors that know what to do.

Robert told me, that he felt blessed that someone like me gave him the role of a priest and not of a gangster, so I got the chance to show the audience the different skills he has, that he never got the chance to show before.

For me this was a gift to work with!

11. How would you describe this movie?

Marc Fehse: The mother of all trash movies! ;)

12. When and where can we expect to see this beauty when it’s released?

Marc Fehse: I think around the world, we will release Sky Sharks mid-2017.

Roll the end credits…

Well there you have it, the 411 on Sky Sharks and the director who is leading the triumphant charge.

I’m like a kid waiting for Christmas morning so that I can get that special present that I know I’m getting because I peeked in the back of the closet, and it can’t come soon enough.

(Don’t forget to show the Sky Shark team so love)




MJM

Thursday, April 2, 2015

“The Transformers: The Movie”


First off, a very warm bah-weep-graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong to all of you, and I hope my words find you well and in good spirits, not all grumpy like those stupid Quintessons.

This is a public service announcement…brought to you by the Matrix of Leadership, don’t leave home without it.

For everyone who considers themselves a fan of the Transformers really needs to watch the movie, and I’m not talking about that Michael Bay rock 'em sock 'em robots crap either, but rather the 1986 animated classic.

This movie may not have Megan Fox, but it does have Arcee, and if you ask me she’s quite the looker. Va-va-vroooom!


Forget Cinderella, someone really needs to open the vault and let this gem out, it’s like a fine wine, it needs to breathe.

Or even if you’re not a fan, say you grew up with the garbage they try to pass off as Transformers today, you owe it to yourself to check this out, because remember there’s more than meets the eye here.

I saw it in the theater when it was first released, and I was super excited about it and loved every minute of it.

I felt like a kid who just discovered masturbation, but thankfully it was only a feeling and not the real thing, because I would have been really embarrassed if I got stuck to my seat when it was time to leave.

This movie was frigging awesome, totally radical, it got me all pumped up as if I was Rocky training for the big fight, and also made me cry like a baby like some people (not me of course) who saw the Notebook did, it had a little bit of everything.

Sure it changed the landscape of the series, not so much for the better like with the introduction of Rodimus Prime, who I might add was a lot like Rick from the Walking Dead, always whining, bitching and second guessing himself.


Now Optimus Prime on the other hand, he was like Carol (also from The Walking Dead), because he would have no problem whatsoever telling Megatron to look at the flowers, and also taking care of his own people/team.

Speaking of Mr. Prime (if you’re nasty), he and another fan favorite, the ever scheming and power hungry Decepticon Starscream, made their triumphant returns shortly after the movie.

The producers knew that the product they were now left with was nowhere near as good as the original, and something had to be done about it.

Even with all the changes the movie brought forth to the series, it still kicked some serious donkey and I wouldn’t change a thing, not for all the Energon in the world.

The movie did give us some really cool new characters too, like Hot Rod (pre-Rodimus), Blur and of course the mack daddy of them all, the giant planet-eating badass known as Unicron, just to name a few.


We also got Galvatron, who was cool at first, but then flipped his lid and went all cray cray like a mo’ fugger and totally ruined the Decepticons street cred that Megatron worked so hard to establish.

Then there’s this Wheelie fella, who let’s just say is this movie’s Jar Jar Binks, he’s okay is small doses but too much of him will leave you wanting to smack your head against the wall.

However, with all things consider he was still a better leader than any of our last few Presidents.

The soundtrack kicked some serious butt too, so much so that even Beavis and Butt-head would rock out to it, totally getting their monkey boy on.

The songs were your typical 80s songs, from bands/artists you’ve never heard of before then and haven’t heard from since, but nevertheless it rocked it like a hurricane and made you bang your head as if you were a bobblehead caught in a tornado.

Now do yourself a favor and go watch the movie, don’t be a dimwitted Dinobot and not heed these words, because the loss will be all yours.

Even Vault Boy (Fallout) would give it a thumbs up!

Time for me to roll out, so I’ll talk to you fine people later.

MJM

Friday, March 27, 2015

“WWE WrestleMania 31 Breakdown”


Considering that I’m a wrestling fan, been so since the 80s (What’cha Gonna Do Brother), and considering that WrestleMania is this weekend, their biggest pay-per-view of the season, I decided I should write about it and share my thoughts.

We all know it’s fake and scripted, kind of like politics, but it is still a lot of fun, at least to me it is.

Here’s my rundown of all the matches and my thoughts as to who will win each match and why.

Kickoff Pre-show: Fatal 4 Way for the WWE Tag Team Titles: The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. Big E and Kofi Kingston vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd:

The only tag team in this match I care for are The Usos, I think they are incredible performers with a lot of talent.

I don’t see them winning the match though, it just doesn’t seem like it would be “best for business” as The Authority would say.

With the Usos out of the mix, I don’t really care who wins this one, because I’m just not a fan of any of the three teams left.

However, if I had to pick I would say let Cesaro and Tyson Kidd keep the titles, Los Matadores and Big E/Kofi Kingston wouldn’t be all that exciting, not hating just saying.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Konnor, Viktor, Kane, Big Show, Darren Young, Titus O’Neil, Jack Swagger, The Miz, Ryback, Curtis Axel, Fandango, Adam Rose, Zack Ryder, Erick Rowan, Sin Cara, Damien Sandow, Goldust, Mark Henry, Heath Slater, plus others TBA:

This match I see as a launching point for a Kane/Big Show feud in one corner, and in the other, a Miz/Damien Sandow feud.

Something they can play with on Monday night, and in the upcoming weeks, setting up for some big matches for their next pay-per-view.

The winner, I’m seeing Sheamus returning and winning the whole thing, why because stoned Mele says so!

WWE World Heavyweight Title Match: Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns:

I think Lesnar will win this one, mainly because he’s the bigger name of the two, but I really hope I’m wrong because we really do need a new champion.

We need someone who will show up more often than Lesnar, he shows up less than a toothbrush in a trailer park does.

I must admit, I do have a bad feeling that Reigns will win and then Rollins will cash in his Money in the Bank contract and take it from him, an unnecessary twist that would be as lame and as predictable as Batista winning the 2014 Royal Rumble.

However, considering that the WWE Universe wasn’t all that pleased about Mr. Reigns having this opportunity in the first place, I can really see that happening…can you smell what I’m cooking.

WWE United States Title Match: Rusev vs. John Cena:

This one is playing out kind of like the Hulk Hogan/The Iron Sheik matches did back in the 80s, and unfortunately I think the end result will be very similar too, with Cena (the super patriot) coming away with the WWE United States Title.

Nothing all that thrilling here, a match made just to have Cena on the card to make all his “Cena Sucks/Let’s Go Cena” fanboys/girls happy and willing to shell out $9.99 for the WWE Network, not hating just saying.

…and please bring back Lana for this match, we um er miss her or something.

WWE Intercontinental Title Ladder Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper vs. Stardust vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett:

I’m thinking this is the WWE’s way of making up to their fans for the fact that Daniel Bryan didn’t win the Royal Rumble and go on to face Lesnar in the main event, but I do hope I’m wrong here.

I personally love Dean Ambrose, I think he is one of the most entertaining wrestlers to come along in quite some time, and with that said, I truly hope he wins and comes away with the title.

This is probably the match I’m most looking forward to, it just screams excitement and I’m positive it will be action-packed.  

Sting vs. Triple H:

I’ve been a fan of Sting since he first hit the scene back in the day, there was just something about him that drew me in.

During the Monday Night Wars I actually preferred WCW to WWE thanks to the whole NWO/Sting storyline, as I’m sure many of us wrestling fans did.

I hated the fact that when WWE won the war, he didn’t move over to WWE after the demise of the WCW, I could only imagine the great matches that we could have seen if he did.

I was such a fan of his that I actually, and very shamefully admit to, watched him on TNA, if that doesn’t prove my loyalty I don’t know what does.

I must say though I do like the angle they are working here, and I really hope that Triple H doesn’t win just because he is the company man, but considering some of the writing as of late I’m thinking that is exactly what we will see.

AJ Lee and Paige vs. The Bella Twins:

There’s a whole lot of sexy going on here, throw in some nighties and pillows and you’ll have every man’s wet dream.

In all seriousness, I want to see AJ Lee and Paige come away with a win here; I like their “Skip to my lou my crazy” and “The Glampire from across the ocean” gimmicks.

Nothing against The Bella Twins, I just don’t see what the big deal is about them; I think they’re a little overrated.

You can keep your Brie Mode nonsense.

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton:

I enjoy Rollins; he makes a great heel, is an incredible wrestler and has awesome mic skills, but unfortunately because of how they choose to use him for Raw/ SmackDown, basically ramming him down our throats as if was Wild Bill and we were Monica Lewinsky, I’m tired of him.

Honestly I wouldn’t mind if he started keep Lesnar’s hours.

Let Orton win, allow him to beat Rollins down and make him his bitch as he promised, and then down the road he could make a huge comeback and win the WWE World Heavyweight championship.

We all know that this won’t happen though, especially considering that he’s Mr. Money in the Bank, but a fan can dream can’t he.

If anyone from the writing staff of the WWE is reading this, please hear my plea and get rid of J and J security, they seriously suck.

Do we want to see them gone? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker:

This is a match I’m really not looking forward to, and not because I don’t like the talent involved, because that couldn’t be further from the truth, but rather because I think it’s a match they threw together just to get Wyatt over.

With The Undertaker’s streak being broken at last year’s WrestleMania, there is really nothing left for him to fight for, so why not let Wyatt (the young blood) win and make a name for himself?

I’m not against a younger superstar getting a push, especially when they’ve earned it (i.e. Wyatt), but not at the expense of a past superstar who is way past his prime and should be kicking back and relaxing in Death Valley sipping on a Mai Tai.

Hopefully it’s not one of those Wyatt gets disqualified for acting a fool and no one really wins or loses, at least as far as the record books are concerned, because I really hate those kinds of matches.

The End

Well that’s all he wrote people, let’s hope for a great show and not a massive disappointment.

And remember kids, say your prayers, take your vitamins and you will never go wrong.

Oh yeah, don’t try this at home; I’m a trained professional.

MJM