Thursday, January 31, 2013

"The Games of Today...Make Me Feel All Badass"

Michael Mele, gamer: a man barely able to play on the normal difficulty setting...Gentlemen we can rebuild him ...We have the technology... We have the capability to make the worlds first gaming man...Michael Mele will be that man... Better than he was before...Better, Stronger, Faster...The Six Million Dollar Gamer!
Some of the features they add to games nowadays can really make you feel like a badass...which I personally love and I'm very thankful for...especially since I suck.
For example, the aim assist feature...whomever came up with this one needs to be given an award of some kind...because this is freaking fantastic. I am someone who, when playing games that require your character to shoot ends up looking like a spaz. I can never seem to hit the target...even if the said target takes up half the screen. I just don't know what it is, but I can't seem to do it. That is why I personally love the aim assist feature, because all I have to do is hit the aim button...squeeze the trigger...and rinse and repeat. I'm capping off mofos like nobodies business...I'm making Rambo look like Elmer Fudd.
Next is the respawn feature, now back in the day we had lives, when they were all used up it was back to the beginning you went. But now we just respawn...over and over doesn't matter how many times you die, you just respawn again. Why I love this feature, because once I face an enemy enough times I start to learn their patterns. So eventually I'll respawn and walk into the room like Jason Statham mixed with a little bit of Dirty Harry, clean house and walk out untouched...showing off my swag and making all the bitches jelly.
Then we have checkpoints and automatic saves...which work great for an old timer such as myself because I forget to save my game a lot. Back when there were no checkpoints,,,when you ran out of lives that was all she had to restart the whole mother trucking level again...and trust me, it wasn't fun. As for automatic such thing...our saves, if the game had them, were comprised of a twenty plus character code, and there was no rhyme or reason behind it...just a bunch of gibberish. I can't begin to tell you how annoying it was trying to decipher if it was an "I/O" or a "1/0" in the code...very frustrating.
In-game maps and quest markers that actually show you where to go next...we never had that crap...we could get lost in a game's world for hours before finding out what we had to do next. We used to pray that one of our friends would figure it out and let us in on the secret...but every once in and while you had a friend who would talk crap and rub your nose in the fact the he/she figured it out and you didn't plus they wouldn't tell you how to do get them back we would fart on their school lunch when they weren't looking and watch them eat it up.
Finally, the graphics...oh aren't they sweet. You can actually tell if something is an enemy or just part of the scenery without having to refer to the manual for clarification or risk dying trying to figure out. I can't believe people actually complain about the graphics...all our games looked like they were put together from Legos...granted throughout time and the advancements in technology the games did start looking better...but nothing like what we have today.
I'm telling you, this technology makes me feel a the Six Million Dollar Man baby! It really amazes me when I hear this generation of gamers complain about a game from this generation...these gits just don't know how good they have it.

Monday, January 28, 2013

"A Look at Call of Duty, Through the Eyes of a Noob"

In this blog I bitch about the world Call of Duty, things that I would like to see removed, things I would like to see added and of course, how funny it is to annoy those little gits who take the multiplayer so seriously.
I love playing the Call of Duty games online, I know that sounds crazy but I do...and not because I'm some total badass either, actually it's the complete opposite I suck like Monica Lewinsky. It's very seldom that my kills out number my deaths, but honestly I'm okay with that because I play for fun not because I'm looking for a purpose to be alive. I also carry a lot of body bags with me when I play online, that way I can clean up all my dead bodies laying around the battlefield when I respawn...we can't litter in cyberspace we need to leave it as we found it so that Woodsy the Owl would be proud of us!

I always get my butt kicked by people who sound like Beavis and Butt-Head's little sisters... and who are cursing me out because I either lost the game for them or killed them with a "noob tube". By the way, why is it considered a bad thing if I use the "noob tube" (aka grenade launcher)? It's not as if I'm cheating or doing something underhanded, it's available at the main menu for God sakes...can someone please explain this to me! That and isn't the point of the game to kill the opposing team, so what's the difference if I do it with a bullet or a me either way I'm not much of a threat.

These punks also all use that new fangled internet/video game language which goes right over my head, like "noob" for example...the first time I heard it I thought someone said boob and I started getting all excited. They don't know what teamwork is either, I like to say they suffer from WEAMSS (Wannabe Eighties Action Movie Star Syndrome). I know that sounds kind of odd considering most of them grew up in the nineties when it was cool to wear flannel and hate yourself and pretty much everything else for that matter, but they all want to be the one man army like Rambo, Dirty Harry, etc.

I myself am kind of like the Bizarro world version of Rambo...I'm Ramblow since I suck really bad at shooting guns and killing people. It's like Elmer Fudd shooting at Bugs Bunny when I find an enemy...I'm shooting all over the place and not hitting them once...and talk about rubbing salt into the wound, most of they time they wait until I run out of bullets and I'm in the middle of reloading and then they walk up to me and kill me with that stupid freaking knife.

Speaking of the knife...

We know it’s all in the presentation; a sponge cake is just as good as any other sponge cake, at least until you put the frosting on. With that said, here’s my beef with the knife, and I do apologize for all the food references...especially if you’re hungry while you’re reading this.

I know you need to have a close combat melee system in place to make things more interesting and competitive; my only request is that they just make it more believable. For example, Halo: Reach’s assassinations or Killzone 3’s brutal melees, granted they too are one hit kills, but like I said prior, the presentation is what makes it hurt less.

I can watch a brutal melee or an assassination and have no doubt in the end, that if that happened in real life I would be dead as a doornail but on the flip side to that, I see my character run by another player in an online match of Call of Duty and get slashed with a knife and die instantly...that's just hard to swallow. Most importantly if you come across an enemy performing one of these kills on a team mate of yours, you can surprise them with a shotgun blast in the back. It makes it more of a risk to try to pull these kinds of moves off, which adds to the over all experience if you ask me.

I know it’s just a game, not everything is going to make sense, however, the Call of Duty games pride themselves on making it as close to reality as possible so I don’t think I’m asking too much. We all know pretty much every game has a flaw of some kind and truthfully I’m not going to stop playing the Call of Duty games online.

(I really only hate the knife because I can never get a kill with it...I might as well be running around with a spoork.)

Okay, enough about the knife...

I think it’s about time for some new “perks”; the standard assortment is getting kind of stale in my opinion. Below are two ideas I have, check them out and let me know what you think. Who knows maybe the Call of Duty Gods will read this post and surprise us in the next installment.

"Rambo" - This perk would allow you to dual wield two primary weapons, just as John J has in pretty much all the Rambo movies. The pro version would give you the ability to go topless and to scream as you're firing your weapons.

"Blade Runner" - This perk would make it impossible for someone to kill you with one slash of the knife. I personally think the knife is a bunch of crap anyway, when it comes to the Call of Duty franchise, this is one thing in my opinion Medal of Honor got right. Numerous bullets versus one knife slash, I mean come on man! The pro version would cause anyone who tries to knife you; to break their blade, leaving it useless the rest of the match.

Overall it's not a bad game...rregardless of all the flaws, which by the way I must point out is not so much with the game itself, but more so the other players in my opinion. Anyway, I just wanted to share my two cents, which by the way I need back because the price of gas keeps going up!


Saturday, January 26, 2013

"How I Take My Gaming "

This topic came to mind when I heard a guy say "how I take my women...", now since I'm a gamer and not really a ladies man (thanks to my mom not letting me close my bedroom door when I have chicks over), I figured I would tailor it to fit my world.

Now for those interested, I will tell you how I take my women...

I prefer women you blow up...of course I don't mean with explosives...I'm talking about with air. Why you ask...well because you don't have to spend any money on them, there's no bitching and when you're ready to get your freak on you won't ever get shot down by the "headache" line.

I know some of you are thinking, "Michael, after you blow up your girl aren't you kinda winded and just go to bed exhausted" and my answer to you would be c'mon man I'm not that much of a noob...I use a bike pump! It does the job with a quickness and afterwards I'm not left winded.

My biggest problems is holes...and I'm not talking about the holes that are supposed to be there either...I'm talking about leaks and such. I keep a can of Fix A Flat and a roll of duct tape by the bed at all times...just in case.

Now back on topic...

I've been gaming since before it was the thing to do back when people didn't care about graphics, achievements/trophies and internet connections, they just enjoyed the game for what it was and the enjoyment they got out of it.

Don't get me wrong I'm not some bitter old man who fears change, I personally love the advancements in technology when it comes to video games like the graphics, the gameplay mechanics and believe it or not, even the multiplayer component. However, I'm not really into the "novelty" aspect like motion controlled gaming (Wii, Kinect, Move) and 3D (3DS).

I'm not saying I don't enjoy these things occasionally but on an everyday basis...not so much. Maybe I'm just too old fashioned (or lazy) I don't know, but I prefer the traditional sit and play style to fulfill my gaming needs.

I think it's a good thing that the companies try new things to keep things fresh and original, but I don't think anything will ever replace the feeling of sitting in front of an HDTV with the surround sound blasting and a controller in hand...just saying.

Again, I do enjoy motion controlled gaming but in short increments. I can sit in front of the TV and get lost in a game for hours, but when it comes me being the controller, it's not for very long.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

"Easy, Not on My Watch!"

When it comes to choosing the degree of difficulty you play the game on, do you sometimes feel as if you're cheating if you select easy, kind of like you're taking the wussy way out. We all know it's not that big of a deal, it's all about having fun (right), but I just can't help to feel as if I'm the dweeby kid on the beach who gets sand kicked in his face by some big buff dude who steals my girlfriend if I chose the easy setting.
What makes it even more humiliating is the trophy/achievement system they have in place now, because when your friends check out your virtual accomplishments they can clearly see that you punked and took the easy way out. These trophies/achievements always have the worst names " Come back and try again when your balls drop"...which makes you feel even worse and less of a man.
At least back in the day before they implemented this system, you could boast with confidence that you beat the game on the hardest difficulty setting knowing they could never really find the kid in the locker room who's claimed to have banged just about every fine honey around, when in all reality the closest he's even gotten with a woman is when he dressed his hand up in his sister's Barbie clothes.
Now I am not as good as I once was, and according to my girlfriend I can barely change out a roll of toilet paper without any I dare not choose any setting above normal. I don't claim to be a badass and I'm smart enough to know that normal is going to wreck me, so I'm not going to make things harder on myself than they need to be by trying to go above the normal setting...but I'm just not ready to choose easy.
First comes having to play on the easy difficulty setting, then the next thing you know, you're popping Viagra just like they were Pez. It makes you feel less as if you're the kid in school who prefers home ec over wood shop.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

"...and the Trophy for Best Achievement Goes to..."

I have a question in regard to trophies and achievements, as if you couldn’t already tell by my ever so clever title.

I’ve been playing video games for a long, long time...back when the controller of choice was a joystick with a giant red button on it. I played games to beat them and when I did they went on the shelf and began their journey towards becoming a permanent fixture collecting dust and roting away, with little to no hope at all of ever being played again.

Then came the idea to award players with trophies and achievements for accomplishing special tasks during the game, which honestly at first I thought was kind of crazy and a waste of time. I believed this feature would have no impact on how I play, so I went on with business as usual only playing to get through the game and nothing more.

The first time a message popped up informing me that I was awarded a trophy for accomplishing a preset task I was amused, but still thought oh well. Then came the second, the third and so on, and now I actually find myself trying to earn as many of these freaking things as I can.
I can’t even hold them, can’t display them and most non-gamers think I’m crazy when I speak of them, but for some strange reason I feel as if I really won something. I even try to compete against the people on my friends list, like as if were in a race of some kind and whoever had the most trophies/achievements was winning...the most popular kid in cyberspace.

Of course I’m in last place on both the PS3 and the Xbox but I’m actually OK with that. Not because I enjoy being a loser or the low man on the totem pole, but mainly because these virtual awards actually give me another reason to replay and/or actually beat the games I buy. Which I am very thankful for, especially when it’s a game I really enjoy.
I was just wondering what the general consensus was, what my fellow gamers thought of these things?


Sunday, January 20, 2013

The NES Was, and Still is, the Best System Ever....Nuff' Said.

The durability of the console, the controller and of course the games....boy were the games great. Say what you will about graphics, open world environments and online multiplayer, nothing beats games like Castlevania, the Legend of Zelda, Kid Icarus, Metroid and the list goes on and on. I didn't even mind the cartridges and having to blow in them when they weren't working properly...good times.

Forget about the Move and Kinect, we had the Power Pad, The Power Glove and of course the Light Gun...motion gaming old school baby.
Now stick that in your pipe and smoke it youngins'

My favorite all time console, followed closely by the Super NES...don't get me wrong, I loved my SNES but no system will ever come between me and my NES. If it was legal I would marry it and have a bunch of gits with it. I would even take it's last name, Michael John System.
By the way...R.O.B. > Robocop...just saying.


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"I Think I'm Being Cheated a Video Game"

Trying not to give away too much information, so not to spoil it for those who haven't or are currently playing it, but I think I'm getting cheated on in Skyrim.

Trying to platinum the game, I needed to get married to earn one of the many trophies that stood in my way of doing so. I went ahead and found an e-chick who was willing to get hitched and did the deed. After the ceremony I was directed to head to my new wife's house, I was thinking this was so we could get on with the honeymoon, but to my dismay I find out it was just to break my heart.

When I get there I find out she is shaking up with some dude....and a dorky looking dude if I do say so myself. Now me being the jealous man I am, I try to axe the dude while in my new house.

The freaking town guards coming running in to tag team my butt and help this dude kill me, so not cool. The thing that really broke my heart though, was my new wife jumped in on the action and started kicking my arse too.

I was wondering, could I file for an e-divorce and take half her poop....or am I out of luck? Call me Atari...because I think I was played.

I'm just trying to spread the word because I don't want to see any more heartache. I didn't want to see you cheated on in cyberspace. Bros before hos.

"The Sad Tale of a Gamer Getting Older"

A story of an old and cranky gamer, who was once king, but now because of life and advancements in technology is now nothing more than a court jester.

I know I'm not considered old in the traditional sense being only thirty-five and all, like I won't be getting a discount on my meal at Denny's anytime soon, but as far as my skill level when it comes to gaming is concerned, I feel like I'm Joan Rivers. It breaks my heart to know I was once a butt kicker, now unfortunately thanks to father time, I'm more of a butt sad!

I remember when the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES for short) was the gaming system to own. I could beat any game, right out of the box with no help manuals, no cheats (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A my arse) and no Game Genies needed. I was the go-to guy whenever anybody got into trouble, if they couldn't solve a particular puzzle, if they couldn't beat an end boss or even if they just needed to beat a high score or time limit...I was the person they called...and that made me proud. That may not mean anything to all you people with friends, but to me, being a "gamer", it meant the world.

During the time of the Super NES and the Genesis era, I was still a force to be reckoned with, without a doubt. Of course not as fierce of one as I was with the NES, but nonetheless, I could still hold my own.

It was during the Dreamcast, N64 and PS days where I could tell I was starting to slip, I wasn't quite ready to be put out to pastor just yet, but I knew something was wrong. I remember blaming life for my video game inadequacies, telling everyone it was only because I couldn't game as much, that was why I was not as good anymore, if I was to have the time I would still be the (blaster) master.

I really started feeling myself going downhill during the Nintendo Gamecube and PS2 era; however, I remained steadfast that I wasn't losing my know, the denial stage of life. I avoided playing, thinking if I didn't have to experience the "sucking" first-hand then it was all good, like nothing was changing and I was still the man...or so I thought.

Now with the Xbox 360, PS3 and the Wii I find myself sitting two feet from the TV just to see the screen, at times even feeling dizzy because of the camera movement and taking a heck of a lot more time to beat these freaking games then I would have back in my heyday! I couldn't believe it, I felt as if I out stayed my welcome...I was like the grandpa trying to hang in the club with all the kids.

I hear people talk about friends they game with and of course I assume they're talking about a buddy sitting on the couch next to them like it was back in the day, but they're referring to someone they never met in person before and have only dealt with online...what the poop. Also, why the H E double hockey sticks do people say "LOL" instead of actually laughing or "BRB" instead of saying I'll be right back, is it a way of being cool or something? I can completely understand doing those things through text messages or IM, but in real life, come on man!

I don't really have an issue with any of these things, but just like all old people I like to complain about the new generation and of course tell long winded stories about how I had it much harder than them, as I'm sure you can tell by this post alone. I'll play video games until the day I die, I'll be gray and wrinkled, using a walker and wearing Depends, all the while still playing video games. I guess there are some good things about becoming an old gamer, like I'll have my walker handy if I do happen get dizzy, my Depends on so if I need to use the bathroom I won't have to stop playing and if I do poorly or if the game sucks, I'll forget about it in a couple of minutes as if it never happened.