Friday, August 30, 2013

“Star Combat: Trek vs. Wars”

I’m not your typical nerd, because I like both Star Wars and Star Trek equally. I know to some of you that is sacrilegious, and I may even get my ass kicked by a nerd gang favoring one side or the other, but I’m willing to take my chances.

I thought it would be fun to compare the two, at least on issues I find important, to see who has a leg up on the other.

“O Captain! My Captain!
Han Solo vs. Captain James T. Kirk/Captain Jean-Luc Picard

I’ve included both Kirk and Picard because I know there is some kind of internal struggle between you Trekkies as to who is the best, so I figured I would fair to both sides and give you Kirk/Picard fanboys a choice.

Who would I want as my Captain, who do I think would do the best job piloting my ship and telling me what to do?

Honestly I think Solo and Kirk would both be too concerned with nailing all the alien babes we came across to adequately get the job done, so for me I would have to choose Picard.

Winner: Star Trek (Picard)

“A Furries Wet Dream”
Chewbacca/Ewoks vs. Tribbles

Really, is there any doubt who wins here?

The Tribbles are nothing more than bad toupees.

I can just imagine that their leader is some kind of alien Donald Trump, who sends them out to steal all the Rogaine and hairbrushes from the people of space…because if he’s going to have a bad hair day, than so is everyone else.

Now the winner between Chewie and the Ewoks, well if it was a fair fight I would say Chewie, but we all know those little Ewok bastards will gang up on him and kick his ass, so I would have to say the Ewoks.

Winner: Star Wars (Ewoks)

“Sweet Space Rides”
Millennium Falcon vs. Starship Enterprise

This is another tough one, because either one would impress the ladies.

I think if you were spotted in either or when you came across some space chicks you would have no problem docking your space shuttle in their landing bay, if you know what I mean.

So in this case I would have to go by which one I think would be the least problematic and more reliable, so with that said I’m going with the Enterprise.

Winner: Star Trek

“Nice Piece of Space Ass”
Slave Leia/Padme Amidala vs. Seven of Nine/Deanna Troi

Honestly I wouldn’t kick any of them out of bed…and a mother, daughter team…does it get any better.

So needless to say this one is a tie, both Wars and Trek have some nice pieces of space ass.

Winner: Tie

“Confucius Wannabes”
Yoda vs. Spock

Well they both have pointy ears and bad haircuts, so besides the whole green skin thing, they could pass for a father and son.

With them both of them constantly correcting everyone, and always telling us what to do, I would have to say that both would be as annoying as heck.

I guess I would go with Spock, because unless he sneaks up behind me and gives me a Vulcan neck pinch, I really believe I could kick his ass if he gets out of hand.

Yoda on the other hand is a total badass and would serve me up on a platter without fail.

Winner: Star Trek  

“Would You Please Stop Saying That?”
Use the Force vs. Live Long and Prosper

I don’t know about you, but to me, “use the force” sounds like something you would hear at college frat house during a drinking game, or even something your girlfriend would say during the nasty.

Now remember we are not talking about which one is better overall, because in all reality when it comes time to kick some ass I would rather have the force over some Vulcan gang sign and hippie nonsense.

So which one is the least annoying to me, which one would I mind hearing a few more times before I ripped my ears off, probably live long and prosper.

Winner: Star Trek

Lightsabers vs. Phasers

We can all agree that phasers suck, and most of the time they are set to stun anyway, so not really all that deadly.

Now lightsabers on the other hand are badass, they can block the shots from the phasers and chop suey them right in half making them nothing more then bookends.

So all in all I would have to say this is an easy one, lightsabers for the win.

Winner: Star Wars

“Ultimate Badass”
Darth Vader vs. Kahn

Kahn is a shot caller; while Vader on the other hand is only following orders, does that make him any less of a badass, not at all.

My only problem with Vader is that he’s too wishy washy, one minute he’s trying to take over the galaxy, and then the next, he’s trying to play father knows best.

I guess with all his attachment issue aside, he is still one total badass, so I would have to say that Kahn and Vader are both straight up evil pimps, so this one is a tie.

Winner: Tie

“Most Dangerous Crew”
Stormtroopers vs. Klingons

Stormtroopers, they’re all clones, so you find one’s weakness and you found them all. This is not a good thing when you’re fighting for the title of most dangerous crew.

Now Klingons are straight up warriors, these fools fight just for sport, they probably even fight in their sleep.

I would have to go with the Klingons right here, because I want my crew to be ass kickers, not boot lickers.

Winner: Star Trek

The results are in...and the winner of the battle royale is…

Star Trek

Monday, August 26, 2013

“Star Wars; the Good Die Young”

My biggest complaint with the Star Wars franchise, strictly speaking from a movie standpoint, is that all the cool characters die quick and crappy deaths (i.e. Darth Maul and Boba Fett), while the really annoying characters seem to last forever (i.e. Jar Jar Binks).

I’m sure we can all agree that Darth Vader (Mr. Vader if you’re nasty) was an awesome baddie, as far as I’m concerned one of the all-time best. So us Star Wars fans didn’t really have our hopes set too high for episodes I, II and III when it came to a new villain, I mean because who could possibly top Vader.

Then along came Darth Maul, a total badass in his own right and a worthy successor to the throne of evil. He had the look, the attitude and of course not one, but two lightsabers…does it get any better then that.

Unfortunately one movie was all this stud got, and then died in a fashion that resembled something you would see in a Friday the 13th movie, split in two, come one people what were you thinking the man deserved better than that.

They tried to outdo Darth Maul with that General Grievous fella, but if you ask me it wasn’t even close. They should just have left well enough alone and let Darth Maul live on and continue to kick Jedi tail all across the universe…but no that would make way too much sense for Hollywood. 

I just wish Darth Maul would have lasted all three movies; he was the best antagonist in the new films, hands down. I mean c'mon on it's almost impossible to find someone as badass as Vader, and when they do they cut him short (pardon the pun).

Next we have the original bounty hunter, the one who made bounty hunting cool in the first place, way before Dog and with a whole lot less prayers and mullets, the man himself Boba Fett.

This man set the stage for people like Samus Aran, and if you don’t know who she is you outta be ashamed of yourself, because without him Samus would have been an intergalactic pizza delivery girl.

Fett kept it real, he didn’t need to tell people how bad he was, he showed it with his actions, and his guns and cool jetpack. He made sure he was dressed to kill, he wanted to look good when he was rounding up those bail jumpers.

When someone needed a bounty hunted they knew who to call, and no, it wasn’t the Ghostbusters, but rather the Fettmeister, the bounty hunter supreme.

Boba Fett pure awesomeness, he was the best thing since sliced astronaut ice cream, that is until he became the desert’s dessert. What a crappy ending for such a great character, he did not deserve to go out the way he did...he's like Rodney Dangerfield, he gets no respect.

They tried to make up for it by bringing in Jango Fett, but it just wasn’t the same, it lacked a certain something. It’s like when a band tries to remake a hit song, sure it’s the same song, but by no way is it just as good as the original. 

Another character that was undersold was Slave Leia, sure they didn’t kill her off, but they did make her put on more clothes…so not cool. I’ve played with my lightsaber on more than one occasion while fantasizing about her, I would have loved to use the force on her.

Okay enough complaining from me, it’s time for me to blastoff, until next time peeps…warp speed, Mr. Sulu. Sorry, I know that last line was sacrilegious to all those Star Warsians out there in cyberspace, but I just couldn’t resist.


Friday, August 23, 2013

“The Who Could Beat Who Game”

When we were kids we would play the “who could beat who” game, mostly involving superheroes and/or action film stars, some of the more popular bouts were Superman vs. the Incredible Hulk and Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee just to name a few.
We would all plead our case as to why our choice was the more dominant one, and how he/she would kick their opponent’s ass with ease and come out victorious. Some of the battles would get a little heated, especially if one of participants was a fanboy/girl of one of the hypothetical contestants.
This game was actually a lot of fun and kept us entertained for hours, but unfortunately it just up and vanished as time went by. As we get older we are supposed to mature, we are supposed to stop playing stupid games like this and do grownup things like work and pay bills...yucky.
I say get the funk out of here, let’s enjoy childish things, and in the famous words of Michael Buffer, “Let’s get ready to rumble”!  I’m going to throw some matches out to you, and tell you why my choice will win; and you can feel free to add your two cents into the mix but just remember my choice is the only choice.
Here we go…
Match #1:
Handi-Man (In Living Color) vs. The Greatest American Hero
Alright this one is easy, everyone knows you do not hit the handicap, so hands down the winner is Handi-Man.
Match #2:
Star Wars fans vs. Star Trek fans (aka Trekkies)
This one is tough, and honestly could go either way, but I do believe that for the most part Star Wars fans are more masculine, so I would have to say that Star Wars fans would win…but only by a narrow margin.
Match #3:
Democrats vs. Republicans
I would have to say that the Republicans would win this bout, hands down. They have all the guns and are not afraid to attack first and ask questions later, just check out the mainstream media if you don’t believe me.
Match #4:
Jesus Christ vs. Allah
Now this is a toughie, because we all know extremist on either side can really throw down and leave a lot of dead bodies in their path. So I guess it all comes down to what Jesus and Allah show up, if it’s the “you have what we want” Jesus and Allah then it for sure will be an all-out war and can go either way, but if it’s the peace and love Jesus and Allah that show up then we’re in for a really boring match.  
Match #5:
Christina Hendricks (Mad Men) vs. Kat Dennings (2 Broke Girls)
Who cares who will win this one…I just know it would be really fun to watch. I say for this fight we bust out the baby oil and have it take place on a trampoline, any objections?
Okay, this is more of a wet dream rather than a prize fight, but what can I say, I’m a man. I know some women who are reading this probably think I’m being sexiest with this match, so for you non-lesbian women feel free to substitute any two hot dudes in place of Christina and Kat…and of course the stipulations would remain the same, so have at it.
Well there you go, there are the matches, check them out and let me know what you think.