Monday, November 18, 2013

“On the Next Maury”

I love comic books, superheroes and just about anything else that goes along with them just as much as the next guy, but it’s time to speak up, it’s time to stop ignoring the problem and just hope it goes away on its own.

I need to get this information to the masses before somebody takes me out; before someone sneaks up behind me and gives me a nasty paper cut right across my throat, for spilling the beans and airing their dirty laundry.

I also know I may get ostracized from the nerd/geek community for saying this but I must take that risk for the greater good of humanity, superheroes are like the Transformers, they are more than meets the eye, they have some serious skeletons in their closet.

Okay here goes, those so-called “superheroes” are taking advantage of their sidekicks, they are like Catholic priest and their sidekicks are the altar boys, I know it’s hard to believe but trust me it’s true.

Think about it, have you even seen an ugly, or even legal, sidekick in the world of superheroes, have you ever seen sidekick that looks like the Freddy Krueger or Sandra Bernhard…or course not?

All these sidekicks look as if they could be in the next boy/girl band that has all the right moves and all the young kids madly crushing on them, the only thing ugly about them are the emotional scars they conceal inside their hearts.

They are all in great shape, very flexible and perfectly proportioned if you get what I’m saying, there is no saggage, cellulite and/or hair issues in sight, they are all members of the beautiful people’s club.

These kids aren’t even old enough to smoke, drink and/or vote, but it is okay that they run around looking like hookers and skanks to supposedly “fight crime”, but we all know better than that…they are sex slaves!

Captain America/Bucky, Superman/Supergirl and the worst offender of them all Batman/Robin, Batman (who uses poor Catwoman as his beard) gets a full suit of armor and what does Robin get, nothing more than some green underwear (briefs mind you, not even boxers), a satin cape and bustier…still need any more proof!

Batman also goes after the troubled youth, the ones with real emotional issues, mommy and daddy problems, the kids that are looking for someone to love them and embrace them, even if it comes with French kisses and lots of baby oil.

And once they get too old for him, he sends them out on their own, and/or allows his enemies to “capture” them and ultimately kill them, and of course he arrives right after it all goes down just to throw the cops off his scent.

Speaking of his enemies, they’re the evil ones and even they won’t mess with the kids, the Joker’s main squeeze is a fully legal hottie known as Harley Quinn, sure she’s a little psychotic but at least she gets to sit at the grownups table at Thanksgiving.

There you have it, the dark secret that has been plaguing the comic book world since it all began, the reason why so many sidekicks grow up to be junkie alcoholics…just like all those childhood stars from television and movies.

So next time you see one of these “superheroes” please remember the monster that really lies behind the mask and/or under the cape, and instead of praising them, report them to the proper authorities as soon as possible.


Monday, November 11, 2013

“Liebster Award”

I can’t believe it; I have actually been nominated for a Liebster Award, and what makes it even more crazy is that I received two nominations, and neither one is from my mommy.

The first one comes by way of “A Latter-Day Teen” and the second “Nonsensical Murmurs”, both great blogs in their on right, and you should definitely go check them out.

Besides posting eleven random facts about myself and answering some questions I’m not really sure what I do here, I do recall watching the MTV Awards a few years back and everyone who won thanked their fans, their family and of course God, so I would like to do the same.

I would like to thank my fans, all three of you, the two people who nominated me and my mom.

I would like to thank my family, and no there is no cash prize that comes along with this award so you don’t have to call me to “catch up”.

And finally I would like to thank God; because without him/her none of this would be possible…hmmm thinking about it, considering my blog, this may be the work of the devil…so okay scratch God for now.

Anyway, on with the show…

Here are eleven random facts about myself. (Feel free to not read them)

1. The Incredible Hulk is my all-time favorite superhero.

2. I love to make people laugh, especially by talking about poop, farts and other things associated with the bum.

3. I love to people watch, because stupid people amaze the heck out of me.

4. When it comes to which I prefer, cats or dogs, the answer would be cats all the way…and not just because the slang name for them also happens to be one of my favorite body part on the ladies.

5. I am a gamer, I don’t care what system they’re for, I love/play them all.

6. I’m not a big reader, unless of course it comes in the form of a comic book.

7. I’m ashamed to admit this one considering how they are playing this season, but I am a New York Giants fan.

8. I freaking hate spiders, and will run from them just like Scooby runs from ghouls and ghosts.

9. I think both Democrats and Republics are full of crap.

10. I was born and raised in New Jersey, and I can tell you from personal experience that its moniker “The Armpit of America” is very much fitting.

11. I can’t stand Apple products, I think they are totally overrated and more of a hassle than they’re worth.

Alright time for the questions, there’s a lot of them because I’m responding to two nominations worth…so please bear with me.

(Asked by “A Latter-Day Teen”)

1. If you had to listen to one band or singer for the rest of your life, who would it be? Bon Jovi

2. What is your favorite color? Green…like the Hulk

3. The mountains or beach? Mountains…I’m too pale for the beach

4. How would you describe your style? Balding

5. What is your favorite Holiday? Halloween

6. What was the worst thing you did as a child? Tried to burn down my school

7. If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Ireland

8. When you read the title "A Latter-Day Teen" what do you think about? The Latter Day Saints

10. What do you have to have before you leave the house? Pants

11. What would like to do before you die? Live

(Asked by “Nonsensical Murmurs”)

1. If you had to blog about one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? Funny stuff, because I love to make people laugh

2. How many blogs belonging to different people do you read a day? A lot…

3. Do you blog regularly? No, I would love to, but unfortunately this crazy little thing called life gets in the way

4. How often do you read? Not often at all

5. What is your dream job? Retirement

6. What is your favorite animal? Cats

7. Where do you buy the majority of your clothing? Where ever my girlfriend wants to shop

8. Real of fake nails? Fake if I’m being hung on a cross, real if I’m building a house

9. How often do you dye your hair, if at all? Not at all

10. Long or short hair? Long on chicks, short on dudes

11. What is your favorite make up product? Umm not really sure on this one, being a dude and all, so I guess the makeup you use on Halloween

Now for my questions. (Here comes the boom)

1. How do you feel about dropping the kids off at a public pool (taking a poop in a public restroom)?

2. Have you ever stole someone lunch when at work?

3. Do you fart in public?

4. Stupidest thing you’ve ever done while you were drunk?

5. Have you ever been to jail/prison?

6. Have you ever turned a pair of underwear inside out just to get another day out of them?

7. Have you ever given a “homeless” person money just because you felt guilty, then afterwards saw them using it for alcohol and felt like an ass?

8. Would you rather get caught picking your nose or picking a wedgie?

9. Have you ever been in a house full of people who love you, only to feel sad because you didn’t get any love on Facebook, Twitter or any other form of social media outlet?

10. Have you ever voted for a president really expecting things to change for the better?

11. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in the throat?

Whew that was a lot freaking of work, I hope it was worth it and that you enjoyed it.

Here’s my nominations:

And one more for good measure…

Whew…I’m finally done, thank God. I hope it wasn't too much for you to read, and I also hope this post won’t make you hate me, I swear this is it…I’m done.


Thursday, November 7, 2013

“MJM's Random Thoughts; Video Game Edition”

Just as the title states, this is a collection of my random thoughts when it comes to video games. I had no other place to put them so I figured I would list them all here for your viewing pleasure. You're not going to find any pearls of wisdom here, or heartwarming sentiment, just a bunch random nonsense that popped in my head throughout the course of my day.

Random Thoughts...

#1. Places where they should allow you to play video games while you wait, the doctor’s office waiting room, in shopping malls out front of clothing stores and of course during a long jail/prison stint, of course the magnitude of your crime will determine what console/games you get to play.
#2. They should make cross play available across all consoles, that way no matter what console you prefer to game on you would still be able to play with your friends, even if they are stuck paying for Xbox Live…not hating, just saying.

#3. There should be no more exclusives; every game should be made available for everyone to play, without having to break the bank to pick up a new console to do so. We need to stop brand segregation people; we need to come together as a cohesive unit and game for the greater good of gaming.

#4. We need to bring back arcades, and I don’t mean those wannabe arcades that are filled with grown people in costumes serving pizza to kids or drunks acting a fool and getting the games all greasy and nasty with their chicken wing eating fingers.

We need the old school arcades, the ones where a gamer can get his game on, and the biggest thing we have to worry about is getting cornered by colored (and I’m not being racists here, they really are colored) ghosts without a power pellet in site and/or running out of quarters.

#5. Brand new games should peak at $40, this would make it easy on us gamers to play the games when they’re released, and we wouldn’t have to wait to buy them used.

This would be a win-win situation for everyone involved, we as consumers would be more willing to buy new, which would keep the gaming companies from whining about us buying used, and we would also be willing to take more chances on games we’re unsure about.

Sure Gamestop would lose some money, but we’re okay with that because they suck.

#6. When we buy digital, notice I said “buy” and not that were given for free, games we should own them and be able to do whatever the hell we want with them.

If we want to allow our friends to download and play the games on their system we should be able to, without any restrictions and/or complications.

#7. Video games should come with a 30 day money back guarantee, even if they’re opened, because we all know you guys can re-shrink wrap those bitches back up and pass them off as new and people would be none the wiser.

Trust me, unless they’re a “hardcore” gamer they’re not beating the game in 30 days, but they will at least have been able to play it to see if it’s worth keeping or not.

#8. Video games should not be kept behind glass, because for us to look at them we have to go find a store associate for help, and when we actually find one they act like we’re bothering them and keeping them from something more important.

When we ask to see multiple games so that we can make an informed decision as to what we are spending our hard earned money on, they look at us like as if we just crapped on their shoes.

We should be able to pick up and hold the games, caress them, make love to them, make them our bitch…oh sorry to far.

#9. Motion controlled gaming should only be an option, not mandatory to play a game.

Sure it’s fun for like 10 minutes or so, but when it comes right down to it I would rather be sitting on the couch with a bowl of Cheetos on my lap and a controller in my hand.

Bottom-line is this, I’m not looking for a workout; I’m trying to get my game on, so save that moving crap for outside the house.  

Finally, and I mean this one with love…

#10. Nintendo should go out of the console business and just make games for Sony and Microsoft, because they make great games, but subpar consoles. I would freaking love to play a new Zelda and/or Metroid game, but I don’t want to buy a Wii U (what a stupid name) to do so.