Friday, December 5, 2014

“The Walking Beth”

I have a guest on my blog today who surprisingly wishes to remain nameless, so like in the movie Ghost where Patrick Swayze was holding Demi Moore as she sat at the pottery wheel so is the case here, except we’re blogging.

This person wants to voice their opinion in regards to The Walking Dead’s mid-season finale, they want the world (and the show’s producers) to know just how pissed they are that (spoiler alert: The Walking Dead, Sopranos and Breaking Bad) Beth was axed from the show while some less than desirable folks are still alive and kicking.

To Sir Elton John, we need a new Candle in the Wind song, because no offense to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana but we all know that Beth Greene is the only blonde who really matters.

Sit back, relax and enjoy…

"Why we should stop watching The Walking Dead"

Dear AMC and The Walking Dead producers:

I became a Walking Dead fan begrudgingly. Last year my partner and I, like much of America, took up the pass time of binge tv watching. We went through the great shows, like Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and House of Cards very fast. We tried The Walking Dead but quickly understood why the early reviews were mixed. The premise was great but the first few episodes felt very subpar, mainly due to the poor acting and unlikable characters. We gave up.

Due to overwhelming feedback that the show had really turned into an A level show, we decided to give it another chance. Many great stories begin in the middle. We decided to skip Season 1 and start a few episodes into Season 2. We were pleasantly entertained. We continued watching and became invested in great, new characters like Maggie, Hershel and Beth as annoying original characters like Lori and Shane were killed off.

I understand TV ratings and shock value. It's part of The Walking Dead fiber to kill off seemingly safe, major, characters. Hershel's death was sad but it fit. The story was decent and he met his end at the hands of The Walking Dead's greatest villain so for. Even for characters that aren't likable, like Lori, the show did a good job maximizing the emotional impact of her death.

It's clear Beth's death was done for Mid Season shock value. Many of us, myself included, cried... due to the loss of a great character, not a great story. The shoddy, thrown together storyline was made worse with weak, unbelievable, characters. Beth, if she was meant to go, deserved a storyline on par with Adrianna from the Sopranos or Hank from Breaking Bad.

I am not a Walking Dead head. I don't read the comics and I don't watch the Talking Dead. I count myself among the fans that watch the show simply for the amazing characters and good stories. Carol is clearly the stand out character on the show. The episode where she had to shoot the little girl is one of the best acted, written and most affecting TV episodes of any TV show I've ever watched. Her transformation has been believable and mesmerizing. She has the potential to achieve Walter White / Breaking Bad status. Daryl, the fan favorite, is also a great character. Ironically, one is dead and the other doesn't exist in the comic but, I digress. This isn't a note about how the show should let go of the comic and cut, dice and burn it's own path.

Carol and Daryl are the bad asses. Maggie and Beth rounded out the emotional core of the show. They are the ones with the easiest emotional connection. Now that Beth is gone its clear Maggie is going to lose it. Can the show survive?

Finally, I know the reasoning that will be given for killing her was to create great story lines and character development for the remaining characters. You probably congratulate yourselves on the bold decision. If you really want to shock and create emotional waves to carry the remaining characters for not just episodes but seasons, kill Rick off. Lori and Shane have been waiting for him for over a season now.

For the fans, sign the petition to bring Beth back.


Well there you go, one man’s plea to bring Beth back. You know it’s not totally out of the realm of possibilities here; look what they did on Dallas back in the day when everyone was trying to figure out who shot J.R.

When Beth wanted to die the producers weren’t having it, then when she wanted to live they kill her off in the worst possible way imaginable, with some screwball cop who didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground blasting her in the head as if it was one of Gallagher’s watermelons…what a cruel world we live in.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

“The Walking Dead: Top 5 Favorite Episodes”

With season 5 of The Walking Dead right around the corner, I decided I would share my top 5 favorite episodes (in no particular order) of the series up to this point, and be warned there will be spoilers.

(Click the episode name for a preview)

1.) Season 4, Episode 16, “A

I loved this episode for one reason, and that is because Rick finally grew some balls and showed everyone that he is not to be taken lightly, and if you don’t believe me then just ask zombie Joe. And also the bromance between Rick and Daryl was pretty cool homo.

2.) Season 2, Episode 7, "Pretty Much Dead Already"

After watching this episode I realized that not even kids were safe in the post-apocalyptic world. Now sure we’ve seen zombie kids prior to this episode, but there was no real attachment to them because they were already dead when we met them, Sophia on the other hand was destined to be little Carl’s main squeeze…or so I thought.

3.) Season 4, Episode 14, "The Grove"

Just look at the flowers… ‘nuff said!

4.) Season 2, Episode 4, "Cherokee Rose"

In a world full of chaos and turmoil it’s nice to see love, and in this case the said love comes in the form of a budding relation between Glenn and Maggie (two of my favorite characters in the show). Sure they’re not in love in this episode, but you can clearly see there’s something there, and not only that but our boy Glenn gets himself some.

5.) Season 2, Episode 13, "Beside the Dying Fire"

Michonne is a total badass, uses zombies for pack mules, wields a katana as if she was one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and is the reason why the Governor wears an eye patch. This episode was her appearance, and what an entrance she made, even if it was to save that annoying as all hell Andrea.

And one more just to show some zombie love…

+1) Season 4, Episode 10, "Inmates"

This episode introduces us to Abraham, Eugene and Rosita, who I actually think are great additions to the cast, especially Rosita…meow.

Well there you have it, my top 5 favorite episodes (+1) of The Walking Dead so far, and I’m sure once season 5 ends my list will surely be extended.


Friday, August 29, 2014

“Monster Mingling”

I’ve had many crazy encounters throughout the course of my lifetime, but none of them as creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky, and all together ooky, then I did when I went through my monster mingling phase.

Here are some of the experiences I had during this time, and I must be honest, they weren’t always my proudest moments.

I once hung out with…

The Wolfman, but he kept going after my bone and howling at my moon, and I was having no part of that because I didn’t swing that way.

Godzilla, but the bitch had a serious god complex, so I had to bounce before I went all King Kong on his ass.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon, but I couldn't trust him because he was one slippery fella.

A vampire, but as soon as I heard, "I want to suck..." I pulled down my pants and she got offended and flew away.

A robot, but he was no fun to watch TV with because I couldn’t use the remote control without his circuitry going all haywire and junk, and there was no way I was changing the channels manually so that didn’t last.

A Centaur, but not for long because certain appendages of his were intimidating and making me feel less of a man, and he refused to wear pants so I left.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but he kept dropping this hot and sticky white goo on me and I was freaking out because I couldn't tell if it was sweat or something else more disgusting.

Bigfoot, we used to go clubbing, but I got annoyed because he got all the chicks and all I kept hearing was, "you know what they say about men with big feet".

An alien, well more like abducted by an alien but you get the point, and I got thrown back as if I was an inadequate catch, they told me to take them to my leader and when I did they weren't impressed (stupid Obama)…I didn't even get an anal probing.

The Headless Horseman, but boy was he stingy, no matter what I said or did he wouldn’t give me any head.

A Minotaur, the dude was hornier than a dog in heat, every time I turned around the bastard was trying to steal a sip of my milkshake, and there was no way I was going to let him wreck my junk like a bull in a China shop.

Cookie Monster, the dude is an addict, and I don’t just mean with cookies because that’s just a front, that nut does more drugs than Courtney Love.

Medusa, but she kept accusing me of lying because I wouldn’t look her in the eye when we spoke, that and her stupid hair ate my hamsters.

Frankenstein, but the punk couldn’t take a joke; he got all offended just because I asked to rest my drink on the top of his head while I used the bolts on his neck to jump my car.

A politician, and honestly they were the scariest of all, constantly trying to beat me down mentally so that I would join their brain dead army and do their every bidding…I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “red and blue are coming for you!

So there you have it, my escapes with the things that go bump in the night, and as I told you prior they were not at all flattering and/or glamorous.


Thursday, July 31, 2014

“If I Was a Superhero”

As a kid, after watching shows like Batman and Superman on TV I would pretend to be a superhero, needless to say I was very easily influenced, there was no “my kid in on the honor roll” bumper sticker on my mom’s car.

I wore my underwear over my pants, well let’s be honest here, I wore them over my mom’s old pantyhose that I was sporting at the time, and no I wasn’t a cross-dresser I was just trying to get into character.

I attempted to tie a towel around my neck as a cape but my head was too big, so I had to use a bed sheet instead.

The end result looked nothing like a cape and more like the train on a wedding dress, and so between that and the pantyhose, my parents got worried and sent me away to one of those camps for the confused and curious, all with the hopes of scaring me straight if you will.

Now some kids pretended to fly by jumping off of the couch, to me that was child’s play, because I used to jump off the roof.

For a split second it did really feel like I was flying, and crashing really hard, and truthfully I didn’t feel all that super while I was lying there on the ground crying out in pain with my legs twisted up underneath me like a pretzel.

When I grew up I was hoping to be a real life superhero, I dreamt of being someone like the Incredible Hulk or even Captain America, even if it did require a little exposure to gamma radiation or some time on ice.

However, in all reality I knew I would have ended up like Ralph Hinkley “The Greatest American Hero”, the Toxic Avenger or even more appropriately, Handi-ManIn Living Color.

I also knew if I did in fact become a superhero I wouldn't have a cool power like super speed or super strength, which come to think about it having those two powers together would scare the poop out of me when it came to masturbation…just saying.

I would have some lame power like the abilities of a can opener, or be able to shoot lasers beams out my anus, which I guess would come in handy when the doctor tried to stick his digits up my kiester while “checking” my prostrate.

I mean c’mon the bastard has been doing this since I was seven, you would think if there was something to be found up there he would have found it already.

I must admit though, it would be a really good thing if I didn't have the powers of invisibility and/or x-ray vision, because I can just imagine all the trouble I would get into and all those sexual harassment suits I would find myself in as a result of it.

And when it comes to my superhero costume it wouldn't be something cool; it would be just like the clothes I wore growing up, which consisted of hand me downs and “good finds” at the local thrift shop.

My outfits were made up of last year’s fashions and in very rough shape, shoes kept together by duct tape and crazy glue, need I say more.

My hideout wouldn’t be something cool like the Batcave or the Fortress of Solitude, I would have a shopping cart and a cardboard box on the side of the road, and my secret headquarters would be the dumpster behind the 7-11, which I would be able to access just by moving the drunk homeless man who was passed out on the side of it.

My weakness would be rent; and other various bills, they would render me powerless and slapped with evictions and final notices.

I would kind of be like Wonder Woman, but instead of having an invisible jet, I would have invisible money that I paid them with to get them off my back.

My archenemies would be made up of “the Landlord”, “Mr. Bill Collector” and “some woman I had a one night stand with and impregnated who I was now trying to hide from”.

I would be so lame that I wouldn't have any fan pages of Facebook; I would have them on MySpace, there would be no thumbs up in my future, which is unless I was hitchhiking due to the jalopy (aka the Mele mobile) I was driving breaking down.

My ultimate goal was to be a superhero, but unfortunately with life, and my luck, I became a superzero instead of a superhero.


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

“Optimus Prime and Little Girls”

Oh boy do I have a treat for you cyberpeeps, my good friend, and fellow kickass nerd Ruth (otakubookworm0) is here. She’s about to lay the smack down on Hollywood because of how they portray female characters in their movies…this is going to be good! So sit back and relax and get to reading people, trust me you won’t be disappointed. And when you’re all done, go show her some love on her Facebook page (


Hi, y'all. My name's Ruth and I'm here to talk about things we all hate: Michael Bay movies and what's wrong with the world today...but wait! It's not what you think.

So my husband and I went to see Transformers last night. I was super excited to see a couple with a little girl next to us; the girl looked about 6 or 7 years old. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing girls get excited about robots and cars and "boy stuff", so I was giving that couple some mad props (in my mind, of course, who wants some random weirdo congratulating them on badass parenting at the theater?).

The movie fires up, and my brain turns into dormant mush for ~3 hours from the overload of sexy cars, explosions, slo-mo,"witty banter" and OMG Optimus Prime, but a few things stuck out to me, even in my passive state.

I loved the movie. I became a kid again, and gasped and cheered and smiled and got my $12 worth from my slice of Hollywood. BUT!!! there were a number of things I found downright not okay with this film.

After the movie was over, I dragged out my soap box and dusted it off, tossed some ideas around with my husband, and called up the indomitable MJM to see if he'd let me bend your internet ears for a few (more) paragraphs (I'm not what I'd consider a feminist, or an alarmist of any kind, so I won't be using subjective words like "moral corruption" or "outrage", just so you know).

Annnnnd, without further ado or nonsense, here's my 5 cents. Mild spoilers for Transformers: Age of Extinction below, if it's possible to spoil a movie such as this.

The daughter character was absolutely everything wrong with young girl characters. Yeah so she's wearing short shorts, and whining at her dad, but why is she so WIMPY? She's been waiting for someone to save her, her whole life? Except when it comes to choosing a boyfriend her dad will hate, and supporting said boyfriend in two (only two in a three hour movie!) clinch moments. She takes damsel in distress straight back to Super Mario's Princess Peach. Except when she's defying her own survival to argue with her dad while swinging on a cable 50 stories above ground.

Way to show our little 7 year old what real girls can be like in a crisis.

There was a samurai Transformer this time. 'Nuff said. At least Ken Watanabe voiced him. Why do all the Chinese people mysteriously know martial arts? (My husband brought this up, and I agree.) Although, the secretary's badassery went a long way towards making up for the awful and insipid daughter.

Mark Wahlberg's character repeatedly called the Irish boyfriend "Lucky Charms". Not funny. Especially since Markie Mark's character is from Texas, where hey, I guess it's okay to use casual racial slurs as humor. Par for the course, along with his terrible parenting skills.

His character also uses 'bitch' as an insult, a number of times. E.g. "You're not gonna bitch out on me, are you?" While I get we're trying to prove that this guy's balls are the size of his home state, can't we use a slightly more gender neutral insult? It's 2014. Bitches can (and do!) kick ass, and I don't just mean the female dogs.

What did our 7 year old girl go home thinking about, when the movie was over? F@$*ing OPTIMUS PRIME RIDING A FIREBREATHING TREX ROBOT. But besides that... That it's okay for her to graduate high school and lie to her dad about dating when he told her not to date? That she doesn't have to be smart, just let someone else save her? That her dad can insult that same boyfriend as long as they both laugh?

There are a hundred other things that I "lovingly" picked apart with my Transformer fan friends, but these things stuck out to me as the type of things we shouldn't be seeing in movies today, especially movies that we want to take our kids to. If we want to make our culture better, we need to get rid of the thinking and attitudes that make these slurs and insults commonplace. Noticing them, and making sure we don't just wave them off as "oh it's just a movie" can go a long way. We need to be better than this as Americans, and as humans. What does the world think of us when this junk gets screened around the world? It shames me, when I think of it. We should speak up about it. Change the way we talk and the assumptions we make. Maybe when art imitates life, next time, we can get something a little better for our 7 year old.

And once in a while, can we get a heroine in a summer blockbuster who makes smart choices while wearing chic clothing? The two aren't mutually exclusive.

If you made it to the bottom of this post, you're a champ. Thanks for reading my rant, and I hope I have inspired you, just a little, to challenge the status quo in your own life and thinking. And if you feel my ideas are too oldfashioned or nonsensical? Sorry, but...get off my lawn before this bitch delivers an oldfashioned ass kickin'!


For more on Mr. Ken Watanabe click here.

Friday, May 23, 2014

“Evil Genius”

If I was an evil genius, hell-bent on taking over the world, what would I do?

I would find myself a bunch of trained monkeys to my bidding, and I would call them Republicrats, just to piss off both sides and to show them how ridiculous they all look.

I would make it illegal for heterosexual couples to marry, only because I don’t want them ruining the sanctity of marriage in my new world, homosexuals okay but anyone else no way.

I would allow all pets to keep their junk intact, while instead spaying and neutering all people dumb enough to align themselves with one political party or another, because who the hell wants stupid people voting on who the next person to run our country will be…does the name Obama ring a bell.

I would have the penalty for all crimes committed to be death, regardless of what it is; if you do something wrong on my watch you’re ending up in the electric chair or covered in sugar glaze and dropped in a pit full of hungry fat people.

I would make it legal to smack the shit out of idiots, one smack for every idiotic word and/or action they said/made, I know this may sound cruel and unusual, but trust me it will really make people think before they speak and/or act.

I would have a police force dedicated to the fashion betterment of the world’s people as a whole, they would make sure that people aren't wearing sunglasses indoors, bomb belts under their robes and/or sagging their pants in public.

I would make it where every bedroom in every house had to be occupied, there would be no such thing as a “guest bedroom”, so if you happen to have an extra bedroom you either move in a family member you can tolerate or adopt a homeless person.

I would make the woman’s body her business, and any man and/or organization that attempted to dictate to her how she should live and/or treat it will get their balls clipped and made into earrings for said woman/women.

I would make all drugs legal, but only in certain places like Florida, Utah and Washington D.C., because that way if you wanted to do them you would have to move to one of those specified areas (and stay in one of those areas)…and honestly if you’ve ever been to one of these areas you would know that this wouldn’t make much of a difference.

I would make get rid of all thongs, men and women’s both, because there is no way that crap is comfortable and/or healthy for you cheeks, and there is no way to convince me otherwise.

I would implement a mandatory pay cut to all celebrities, professional athletes and anyone else making an exuberant amount of money for basically doing nothing, and give the extra money to the people who truly deserve it like our teachers, police/fire and of course the military, and if those people have a problem with the pay cut they could always go work fastfood and/or bag groceries.

I would introduce anyone to the backside of my hand who waited for a specific day (i.e. Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, etc.) to show others just how much they mean to us and our country.

Well there you have it, things I would do to win over the masses and allow me to rule with an iron fist…it feels so good to be so bad.


Sunday, April 6, 2014

“Less QQ, More Pew Pew”

Campers, snipers, run-and-gunners, these are not new marshmallows in Lucky Charms, but rather playing styles in online multiplayer games such as Call of Duty, Halo and Battlefield.

These games aren’t easy by any means, especially for those of us who don’t have the opportunity, or desire, to devote every waking moment of our lives playing them and mastering them.

There are also a lot of kids, oh God I hope they’re kids, who make this online world sound like a disgruntled trucker’s convention, who all have been sucking on helium balloons and have an unhealthy obsession with everyone’s mother.

However, all things considered these games are actually a lot of fun, of course not the best video game you’ll ever play, but nevertheless still an enjoyable experience and one that you should partake in at least once before you leave this miserable mud ball we call a planet if you call yourself a gamer.

For the record, the actual gameplay is not why I recommend playing games like these, but more so because the people playing them are frigging hilarious to listen to.

The things people say when playing online multiplayer games, especially when losing, is pure ear gold, it’s as if someone left the door open to the insane asylum and equipped all the inmates with microphones.

They freak the freak out like nobody’s business; they get all worked up like Al Sharpton does when he sees an opportunity to get into the spotlight, it’s freaking fantastic to say the least.

The audible equivalent of Jerry Springer, mixed with a little bit of those playground antics from back in the day, you hear such pearls of wisdom as, “your face” and “I hope you die in a fiery car crash”, nerd rage at its finest.

Cyberspace is full of a bunch of racist bastards who all seem to suffer from Tourette's, whose soul purpose is to completely annoy the living, it’s like night of the living teabaggers out there.

So come for the game and stay for the show, trust me all the deranged fun you’ll have will make it very much worth getting your ass pwned and being called a noob so much that you actually start thinking it’s your name.


Monday, March 31, 2014

“Super Freaky”

Would you do, and by do I mean get it on like Donkey Kong, a superhero and/or supervillain if you had the opportunity?

Now of course we’re just talking about getting busy with these heroes/villains, because we all know the majority of them are not relationship material, and not just because of their job, but because most of them are whiny little bitches and have more drama in their lives than a daytime soap opera. 

When they are not out saving the world, or trying to take it over, they are looking to get their freak on just like any other individual with their junk intact, or not suffering from a “debilitating headache” **cough** women **cough** would.

There are the obvious few that just about everyone and their mother would bang, for example Superman, Catwoman and even Aquaman, that is if you don’t mind a man who smells like fish…what a switch that would be, am I right guys. *raises hand for a high-five and gets no love*

However, what about the crazy mutated bastards, those who are considered super due to their special gifts but aren’t necessarily someone who you would see in the pages of People’s hottest man/woman alive issue, super powers but not super looks.

Would you be okay with Killer Croc going down South on you, getting a handjob by Lady Deathstrike or even letting the Incredible, and I emphasize the word incredible, Hulk give it to you, that monstrosity (you know, the beast that’s hiding inside those purple shorts) would destroy any orifice it attempted to penetrate…think about it people, if the muscles grow like that what do you think happens with the rest of the body parts.

I’m sure there are some freaky superhero/supervillain groupies out there who have a fetish for that kind of thing, but I would say for the most part, it’s few and far between, but then again what do I know I never thought defecating on someone would be consider hot but to some it’s all the rage.

You also have those everyday average Joes and Joans who get no love because either their powers suck or they just look like someone you would see on a show on the FX network, nothing all that special if you catch my drift.

Although thinking about it, consider all the new positions and things you could try being with someone like the Green Lantern (imagine of all the fun you could have with that ring), the tiny superheroine known as Wasp or even the super stretchy Mr. Fantastic who’s guaranteed to meet any woman’s manhood requirements if you know what I mean.

For obvious reasons I wouldn’t recommend wasting your time with the Flash, things would be over before they even got started, not only that but with things moving that fast you’re sure to see chafing in areas you that really wouldn’t want to.

Who knows, maybe there is something to being with those less than desirable types, and for the record when I say “less than desirable types” I’m not talking about those crazy mutated bastards like I mentioned prior, no Hellboy and/or one of those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me, I don’t want those funky looking mofos anywhere near me regardless of what special ability they could bring to the bedroom.

Side note, when one does the deed with one of the bat folk (Batman, Robin or Batgirl) do you think those “fighting bubbles” pop up like in the old television show, you know like blam, pow and bang?


Thursday, March 6, 2014

“Freaky Frankenstein”

Now in real life I have a hard enough time scoring with a blow up doll, let alone a real chick, and a hot one at that, but just for this piece I am traveling to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, think of me as Mister Rogers jacked up on Viagra, so now just sit right back as if you were Gilligan and you'll hear a tale of morbid perversion and the things that wet dreams (or nightmares depending on how you look at it) are made of.

It’s the end of the world as you know it, you are the sole survivor, and all you have is the clothes on your back and a book by the one and only Dr. Frankenstein simply titled, “Building Your Perfect Companion”.

A bomb went off that left everyone literally “resting in pieces”, body parts are scattered everywhere and they are ripe for the picking, you have the perfect opportunity to create your dream girl/guy without any restraints and/or criticism from others, so have at it.

Celebrity, athlete or just some hot person you knew in your everyday life before shit went down, no one is off limits and everything is up for grabs, think of it like a smorgasbord of body parts and you’re building a meal that will leave your taste buds in ecstasy.

Me personally I’m an everything man, if it’s part of a woman I’m loving it, just like McDonald’s baby, I know some men (and lesbians) say they are an ass person, a breast person, etc., well I say screw all that noise I love it all.

I was thinking I would go with Beyonce’s lower half for my sexy monster, for obvious reasons, but then I remembered that she’s been with Jay Z, and with me being so white that I’m almost transparent I knew I would have little to no chance of pleasing her as a result of that, so I decided against it…even after the apocalypse a man has to worry about his performance people.

My next choice was the lower half of Jennifer Lopez, who we all know has some really nice assets (huh huh), this chick was the reason God created legs and asses, not trying to sound sacrilegious here, just stating the truth.  

Now for the torso, and my choice would be the ever so voluptuous Kat Dennings, who might I add has some of the most beautiful silicone weapons of mass distraction I have ever seen, and J Lo’s dancer legs would have absolutely no problem holding those massive melons up.

Finally for the head, whose head would I be okay with looking at for the rest of my days, and my choice would be the hat rack of Michelle Pfeiffer, I mean the chick still looks hot after all these years, and that’s what you would want a dome that ages well.

Of course my freaky Frankenstein would need to get a tan to complete the package, but besides that, she would be ready to go and a nice piece of manmade arm candy.

Okay, your turn, whose body parts would you use to build your perfect beast?


Saturday, March 1, 2014


“The good, the bad and the ugly: The truths about suicide from the man inside.”

For this piece I am stepping out from behind the clown mask. I am hoping to do more here than share a laugh or deliver an opinion piece. I am putting humor aside to talk about something very important; about something that is affecting many people in this world of ours and has been for many ticks of the clock. The young and old, the rich and poor, the black and white, none of it matters because this monster doesn’t discriminate, anyone can be a victim.

I want to talk about suicide. I want to share my personal battle with it and how at one time I thought it was the only way out. I thought it was the only way to silence the demons that were relentlessly attacking and poisoning my soul with never-ending self-doubt and vicious lies about my reality, every day trying to destroy the foundation that was my life.

I hope to show others in a similar situation that when they feel they are at their lowest and at their breaking point, they are not alone and that there is help available. There are ways to relieve the weight that burdens your shoulders, but it’s not in a drug or drink, nor is it with you lying on your back six feet under with a face full of dirt.

Suicide stalks its prey like a highly skilled assassin, ever so silently and with deadly precision, and if you're not cautious, you or a loved one could be its next target.

“Just because someone is smiling on the outside, doesn’t mean they aren't hurting on the inside.”

Part 1: Understanding Better and Avoiding Misconceptions
“Completing the puzzle”

There are many “urban legends”, many stigmas and many untruths about suicide and mental health in general. Here are a few, yet inaccurate, outlooks that most people have when this topic comes up.


People think you are crazy, deranged and even dangerous.  People who are suicidal are not crazy! You will not find them talking to themselves, eating their checkers or in a padded room wearing a straitjacket, it is actually quite the opposite. They are smart, funny and dedicated. They are creative, successful and honest. I know this is sounding like a personal ad, but it’s the truth. They are just like everyone else, only difference is that they are fighting a war inside themselves and they are desperate for a truce.

This war can be started many ways, there is no “one size fits all” here. Don’t perform an autopsy on someone’s life to figure out what caused the friction; just understand that something is array and making a mess of their life. Also, when the culprit of the chaos is reveled, whether it is in confidence or stumbled upon, don’t belittle, judge and/or pile on, regardless of your thoughts on the issue. What may not seem like a big deal to you could crush someone else, even pushing them further down death row.

Attention Seeker…

You are just looking for attention. You’re throwing a pity party and you’re the guest of honor. You know that you’re not to be negative, your glass is always supposed to be "half full" because that’s the politically correct way to think. You’re not to fall down and stay down, you’re to pick yourself up and have a feel-good “Rocky” moment where you kick ass and take names. Anything else makes you inferior to the masses, or at least that’s how you’re told to see it. Sometimes a motivational poster (hang in there kitty), a clever metaphor or even powerful speech just aren’t enough to help one make it through the dark forest they are trying to escape, the big bad wolf is just too powerful of an adversary.

Glutton for Punishment…

You’re doing it to yourself, the problem isn’t all that serious and you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. We all know the expression, "don't judge a book by its cover". The reason we shouldn’t is that until we read the pages of that said book we don't really know what it’s about. Those pages may comprise unspeakable horrors, soul crushing pain and severe hardships. The cover may be all rainbows and unicorns and the pages dark and depressing, and you'll never know unless you move past what's on the surface. Don’t discount someone due to superficial reasons; if you do, it could lead to dire consequences.

That’s just Life…

We all face anxiety/depression regularly, you need to toughen up and learn to deal with it. There are some who don’t believe depression is real, that it’s something made up like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny and they have no problem voicing their misinformed opinion regardless of who is in earshot. Trust me it’s real and very dangerous, and not something to be taken lightly. Think before you speak because the words that come out of your mouth may be why someone can’t/won’t open up to you and potentially the reason they feel they have no hope. Sticks and stones will break bones, but no matter what they say, words can, and will hurt you too. Poorly chosen words can fall like salt into an exposed wound to someone who is hurting internally, and you will do yourself a great service to remember that.

“Don’t assume that others know how you feel about them, make it known.”


The adage, "time heals all wounds" may be true for some, but it is not true for everyone. We’re not all the same and you’d be wise to remember that. To quote the Diff'rent Strokes theme song, "Now, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some". More accurate words have never been spoken, and if someone tells you otherwise, let them have a, "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis”?

No one may tell you how long you should, or shouldn't grieve, regardless of the circumstances. Some personalities stew over their plights; it’s just how they were made. They let them slowly cook like a meal in a crock-pot and by doing this; their internal temperature rises and things eventually boil over leaving nothing more than a hot mess. Without help and/or a healthy way to release this pressure these individuals could find themselves in dire straits. The aforementioned “time” that is supposed to heal all wounds becomes a catalyst for disaster and ends up doing more harm than good. Moral of the story, don’t assume that the way you handle stress is the only and proper way of doing so, because those assumptions could be very costly to you in the end.

Who has it Worst…

“There’s always someone who has it worse” is a statement I have heard thrown around many times as an attempt to “help” someone realize that their burden isn’t all that bad in the grand scheme of things. Now this may well be the case and to some this may even be helpful advice, but to those with depression this knowledge does little to ease the anguish that haunts their spirit, it diminishes their pain and adds more fuel to the already raging fires. Be mindful with what you say and to whom you say it to because your attempt to help may cause your outstretched hand becoming a clinched fist.


For those of you who think suicide is a sign of weakness, something that only a coward would do and/or something that only affects the most desolate of people, you've got a lot to learn. I am thankful that you've never had to endure the deadly sting that is depression and hopefully you never will. Don’t be foolish, because trust me this can happen to anyone, no matter who you are and/or where you are at in your life.


Some also say suicide is selfish, which may well be the case to those who’ve lost, but when someone feels lonely and abandoned who exactly are they being selfish to; at least that’s how they see it. Consider this, in their mind your loss is their gain, makes sense? This is not about selfishness, it’s about desperation.

The list goes on. There are many of these beliefs floating around in our society, whether by fear or just pure ignorance, it doesn’t matter because if we allow these fallacies to remain unchecked and unchallenged we will find ourselves at more funerals than we are at celebrations.

“For those who are depressed a smile is a scar, an unfortunate blemish on their body for the world to see but something they are ashamed of, it makes for pretty wrapping on the present hoping to hide the contents.”

Part 2: Suicidal
“When the wrong feels right”

"God, should I come home now?” is a question I have asked myself many times before, and I’m sure I’m not alone.

We’ve all had times where we felt as if the world was against us. As if everyone was screaming our name, and not like an adoring fan would scream the name of their favorite rockstar, but rather like the way a bloodthirsty mob would scream for your head as you were about to be hung. All you want to do is run and hide, but no matter where you go the voices just won’t stop. A silence so loud that it is deafening, speaks to you in a whispers and keeps you questioning your own existence.

On the outside it is bright and sunny. No one could tell from looking at you that something was wrong. However, on the inside it is dark and gloomy, your mental state is not well and your life is on the edge of devastation. You don’t know what to do. You’re like that whimsical cookie jar that sits on the counter, on the surface you seem all together, complete and even at times upbeat. Although the truth of it is that on the inside you are emotionally disheveled, scattered and spiritually broken into little pieces.

You’re like a plane flying into a storm but reporting back to the tower that all is well, nothing but blue skies and clear sailing, when the truth of it is, that the whole flight has been nothing but turbulence. You want so badly to shout out to the world how tortured you are, but at the same time you don’t want to be perceived as weak and/or any less of a person by doing so, and as a result you hold it all in. Because of this decision the pain stews inside of you, making a mess of things both emotionally and mentally, leaving you a total wreck, spiritually shattered and intoxicated by misery and despair.

“Walking a fine line…the razor’s edge”

You're not Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis, or Meryl Streep but "death becomes you". Your reason for being is only to find a way to end it all; sadly your life is all about death. You dream of dying like most people dream of living. You want to be alone but you don't want to be lonely. While most people are anticipating opening night, you're planning your curtain call. The monster you once feared as a child who hid in the darkness, now resides in your head and doesn’t disappear when the lights are turned on. While most are aggressively waiving their battle flag, you’re flying the white flag. Sadness surrounds you like a cocoon, and unfortunately doesn’t open to reveal a beautiful butterfly but rather a beaten, withered and tattered soul.

How can you stop the sadness? How can you find peace? Is there a way out or are you destined to go through life depressed and constantly fighting for the happiness and comfort that seems to come so easily to those around you? You contemplate suicide. You start thinking that with your dying breath the pain will cease and you will be comfortably at rest and in your own skin.

Your absence wouldn’t matter to anyone because they didn’t care when you were alive so why in death would things be any different? What would be the right time? How would you do it? Should you leave a note? These are just some things that cross your mind as you think about moving forward with your ill-fated plan, as you consider the best way to execute your personal mission for mental stability and closure on the agony that is your being.

You can’t believe your loved ones don’t notice that something isn’t right with you. They aren’t aware that your life is in shambles and that you do not understand how to fix it. This makes you feel damaged, lonely and desperate for a way out.

Yet you put on an Oscar worthy performance to make sure people don’t find out what’s going on. Doing all you can to put your best foot forward to keep your deadly secret hidden within the confines of your soul. You are torn, you feel as if all the clues are there to help them solve the unfortunate case that is your life, but in all reality you have orchestrated a crime so masterfully that even CSI couldn’t solve it. This is absolutely a no-win situation and cannot end well for anyone involved.

Being suicidal isn't about wanting to die, it's about being afraid to live.

“Admitting that you need help isn’t a sign of weakness, actually it shows tremendous strength, especially when holding it in could mean death.”

Part 3: Proceed with Caution: See the Forest through the Trees
“Living with untreated depression is like taking permanent residence on death row”

Life is hard and unforgiving and if you let your guard down for too long it will swallow you up and drag you down to the depths of hell. I know it’s not all doom and gloom, but the truth of the matter is this, life is not all that kind and will tear you apart if you don’t prepare accordingly.

Your mind is extremely powerful, and at the same time very dangerous, especially if you have not trained it correctly. Reinforce the barriers that protect your weak spots, train your mind to follow your lead, instead of it being the other way around. We must be strong and steadfast in the face of depression, so when these situations arise we can conquer them and do so in a healthy and productive manner. If you’re not careful, your mind will bully you and beat you down, leaving you for dead…literally. You could be your own best friend or your own worst enemy, completely depending on your overall mental health.

When battling depression you become a hostage to your own psyche, which if not treated properly acts as the judge, the jury and the executioner of your being. It is a menacing adversary who will do any and everything within its power to have you succumb to its will. This is not a war you want to fight alone because you won’t stand a chance, call in for backup!

From the birth certificate to the obituaries, life can be a cruel mistress. Whether it is that tasty treat you can’t have until you finish your icky dinner, or something more adult oriented like the loss of a job and/or bills piling up faster than you can knock them down. I’m sure you’ve heard this many times before; life is not fair and doesn’t play nice. The game is difficult, but totally worth playing, so put your game face on and play to win!

“Remember, sometimes a crowd is the loneliest place of all.”

You may not be the one who is battling with depression and/or with the thoughts of suicide, but someone you know may just be, so keep a watchful eye out for the warning signs and don’t be afraid to act if necessary. As I said prior, due to an unfortunate stigma in this country when it comes to mental health most people are ashamed to speak up out of fear of ridicule and/or being considered weak. Bottom line, they will not come to you, you have to go to them.

Sometimes your perception of things is askew, things aren't always how they appear. With that said, do your loved ones a favor and pay attention, take nothing for granted because by the time you realize there’s a problem it could already be too late.

We classify many conditions and addictions as diseases in this country, which I can only assume is to make people feel better about overindulging, physically, mentally and of course financially. However, for depression we dare not speak of it in public out of fear of being labeled crazy, insane or mentally challenged in one way or another, hence the reason we have such a problem with suicide in our country. This fact completely amazes and leaves me scratching my head in utter confusion. This has to change if we truly ever hope to rectify the issue at hand.

We ask each other, “How are you” but we don’t want to know, we only do so to be perceived as caring individuals, of course not all but most for sure. God forbid they actually tell us their troubles because then they are considered complainers and in our busy lives and hectic schedules we don’t have time for that.

We are programmed to act concerned and compassionate to our fellow humans because it’s the right thing to do, but the truth of it is that we don’t want to be bothered. With the social stigma that already comes attached to depression, this way of being only makes it more complicated and risky for someone to feel comfortable enough to open up and honestly share what hinders them with us. We need to be there for each other and stop trying to hide from each other!

“Depression is the fire and playing with it will get you burnt.”

Part 4: Coping
“The living dead”

This section is not about mindless zombies who crave brains like some of us crave chocolate, but instead the individual left behind after the person he/she cares about commits suicide. Their life becomes an out of control emotional rollercoaster filled with many “what ifs” and “whys”. Nothing makes sense anymore and they are as lost as a kid on the back of the milk carton.

There are cases where people realize there is something wrong, the warning signs have been heeded and the necessary actions taken. They try to help but their efforts are all in vain, their reached out hand is met with a stiff barrier reluctant to move. Their words fall on deaf ears; to the damaged psyche you come off sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher. This is not because these people don’t want help, but rather because they don’t feel they are worthy of it, in their minds they are already at the end of their rope. No matter what how hard you tried, nothing got through to them and ultimately still extinguished their flame.

Then sometimes even with the subtle clues and whispered cries for help a person can be blind to the issues at hand and not pay them much mind, they write it off as a bad day or trouble getting over a pothole in the rearview on the road of life. Does this mean they don’t care, of course not, they can’t see the pain and suffering through the overly happy façade of their loved one. Now although this is not done intentionally and/or with hate in their hearts, this is a costly mistake that could come back to haunt them when all is said and done.

In either scenario is this torment deserving and/or warranted, especially in the shadow of a recent loss? It is not, but regrettably it comes with the territory and is an unrelenting burden that the survivor(s) must bear until they learn to cope with the tragedy in a healthy manner. 

If you find yourself in this situation, the one left behind, try not to get angry at the individual who died by suicide because they only did what they thought was right, at least in their eyes it was. Try to understand that it wasn’t you they were trying to get away from; unfortunately in this situation you were just the innocent bystander. They loved you, but the pain was just too much for them to bear. You have now become the victim, the torch has been passed, and if you need help to cope during these trying times, then make sure you get it. This is one situation where a “BOGO” would not be a good thing, not at all.

Do your best to honor their memory, and if possible, to become a champion for their cause. Show the world that their death wasn’t meaningless, trivial or selfish, but rather a travesty and a great loss.

“They have taken their life and left you feeling dead inside.”

Part 5: Hope
“The light at the end of the dark road”

Unfortunately there are people who follow thru and succeed in ending their lives, and then there are others, who by the grace of God make it through these dark times and move forward in a positive direction. Gratefully I am the latter.

I was close to calling an end to my time here on this planet a few times, each time believing it was the only way to correct things and to truly put my mind at ease. I felt like it was the only way to get past the torment and heartache. Thankfully though, I had a great support system and could open up to people to let them know how I felt, which wasn’t easy by any means but necessary for healing.

This may be hard to believe, and even somewhat cliché to say, but there is a way to overcome the barrage of devastating punches life has bestowed upon you without having to throw in the towel. Keep your chin up and do your best to not give up on yourself or your loved ones. We can’t just assume that people know how we feel, especially when we go out of our way to disguise our true feelings (as stated above). We must be able to trust our loved ones with our innermost workings and allow them to help when they can. We can’t be afraid to ask and/or seek help when needed, professional help if applicable.

Believe it or not, it’s perfectly acceptable to admit defeat and to ask for help when you need it. Doing so doesn’t make you any less of a person and/or weak, if anything it takes more courage and strength, so that is something you should take pride in.

I hope and pray the best for everyone, and if you ever need to talk, let me know. I may not be able to solve every problem, but at least I could be an ear willing to listen and/or a shoulder to lean on if need be.

I’m speaking from experience my friends, I know it’s difficult, but you’re worth fighting for and doing whatever is necessary to live a happy and healthy life. When it comes to suicide the quote, “that which does not kill us, makes us stronger” has never been more fitting. Don’t be a statistic, be a survivor!

Truly words to “live” by!

“No matter what side of the coin you're on, there are no winners when it comes to suicide.”

The End (but hopefully not for you)

During this piece I may have said the same thing many times, only in different ways. This was not to be annoying like a steady drip from the faucet falling on metal pans, but more so to drive the point home how import of an issue this is. We are doing a disservice to ourselves as a whole when we disregard it, write it off as nothing all that important and pretend it’s not reality.

Consider this, most stories of people who died by suicide start with shock and disbelief that their loved one could/would do such a thing. There’s not normally a clear cut sign of someone losing control like an airplane going in for a crash landing. There may have been hints along the way, but nothing that would lead you to believe they were considering putting the final nail in their coffin. You won't have many people shouting "I want to die"; most will say they want to live. Don’t be afraid to love now, be afraid to cry later. Remember me now, because once you have to remember me "when", it will be too late then.

When it comes to mental health, screw society and its standards! We must be able to talk about it freely and without the fear of condemnation to be able to help those in need. We are in a very difficult situation when it comes to mental health, and we need to work together to change it for the better or we’ll all be attending more unnecessary funerals. Spread the word! #ChangeYourMindChangeTheirLife

Remember, don't be afraid to peek behind the curtain that is your loved one, look how well it worked out for Dorothy and her merry band of misfits. Read the writing on the wall before you are reading it in a suicide note!

“Bring flowers to someone to show them how special they are to you, not to decorate their grave after they've passed on.”


This piece is dedicated to the memory of all those who have lost the fight with depression. To those who were overcome by the dreaded beast. To those who felt the only way out was to end it all. May your souls now rest in peace and your hearts hurt no longer.

This piece is also dedicated to those who have loved and lost. To those who have found out that something was wrong way too late. To those who are missing pieces of themselves like an incomplete puzzle. I pray that with time the cross you bear becomes easier to manage, and that the crack in your wall not end with your foundation shattering.

Helpful Links/Numbers:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention - Official Site

Battlefieldof the Mind”…a great book with lots of helpful practices and techniques to strengthen your mind, spiritual or not, this is a good read.