We all heard the stories about hot nerdy women, the babes who play video games, read comics books and avoid chick flicks like Leonard Hofstadter avoids dairy.
We never really believed it to be true though, kind of like Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and a government for the people, we figured they were just something made up to make us feel good about ourselves and our sad little lives.
Guess what? I actually found two of them, and not only do I have pictures, but I also have answers to the questions we all dreamt of asking them, so sit back, relax and got your box of tissues because you’re about to have a nerdgasm.
(Color coded so you know who answered what)
1. F, marry, kill; Chupacabra, Bigfoot and Chewbacca?
Terrye: F: Bigfoot cuz he’s built like a brick shithouse. I’d video it and sell the sex tape to TMZ so I could make millions and I’d have proof that the big guy is real (and hung). I could launch his next career as a porn star.
Marry: Chewbacca cuz he’s got fame and fortune and I’m not above interstellar gold digging (and he’s best friends with that smokin’ hot Han Solo whom I could diddle on the side when Chewie wasn’t home. I’m also not above a little side nookie to keep shit interesting).
Kill: Chupracabra. I hear they’re tasty and Chewie isn’t really picky about dinner. I understand that the new cryptozoology slogan is “Chupracabra; the other, OTHER white meat.”
Starr: Chupacabra scares the living shit out of me. When I was a kid I was certain he lurked in the desert just beyond the safety of the fence in my backyard; biding his time until he could sneak in through the window and eat my face off. So he dies.
I would fuck Bigfoot because I’d definitely want to marry Chewbacca. Who wouldn’t?
2. Your significant other likes to talk derdy (dirty/nerdy) in the bedroom; they say things like “play with my joystick” and “I want to plug my flash drive into your USB port” do you amuse them or do you shoot them down like an enemy jet in restricted air space?
Terrye: Even better, I’d challenge him to a game of Strip The Last of Us. Last person standing gets to call the shots in the bedroom game of Chutes and Ladders.
Starr: Wait, I’m usually the one saying things like that. That’s not normal?
3. Cosplay, okay for the bedroom or only for conventions?
Terrye: BOTH! Are you kidding? Nothing tests out your costume like a little pre-convention dry (or super-hot and wet) run.
Starr: Cosplay is good for comic-cons, the bedroom, going to the store for groceries and lounging around the house. It’s always fun to dress up.
4. A lab experiment gone awry, a radioactive bug bites you or you’re injected with a super soldier formula, no matter how it comes to be, you are granted superpowers, what would they be and would you fight on the side of good or evil?
Terrye: I’d hope for the intelligence of Batman with the powers of Spiderman with a side of Catwoman without the high heels. Nothing more embarrassing than a clumsy super hero.
As for the whole good or evil thing, I think there’s a little of each in both of us. It would have to depend on my mood that particular day. If I were mensing, I would definitely be all for the side of evil and my kryptonite would be dark chocolate and top shelf whiskey. Ah hell, I’ll just go for evil cuz it’s easier than trying to behave all the damn time!
Starr: I would like to be telepathic with telekinesis powers. Reading minds and kicking asses with furniture and dogs I throw around with a wave of my hand. It’d be like using The Force. (There’s a few bitches I’d love to Force choke.)
Or, I’d want the power to mess with time. Imagine if you could just pause time while you continue to do what you need to do (sleep, finish writing a novel, masturbate, whatever) and then start it up again and no time has passed! Time traveling would be awesome, but that gets tricky with the paradoxes.
I would not choose a side. I want to be one of those Super-Whatevers that could be considered neutral- neither good nor bad. I want the word “semantics” used in conversations about me. Y’know? Like Bobba Fett- he’s not really a bad guy, he’s just doing his job. It’s all semantics.
5. Forget Democrat/Republican, you find the person of your dreams and they are a Star Trek/Star Wars fan (the opposite of whatever you are), do you make it work or is there no way in hell you would be caught dead with one of them?
Terrye: I’ve recently figured out that I’m an independent in the political realm. As for the space realm, I tend to go my own way as well, and prefer the tribe of Predators. With that being said, I would have to kidnap the man of my dreams, transport him to an isolated planet, and hunt his ass down before I claimed my prize. I’ll let you use your naughty imagination for that subplot.
Starr: I’m one of those really rare anomalies that enjoy both Star Wars and Star Trek.
My issues lie in the fact that The Gamer has this delusional notion that Picard is the better Captain. We all know Kirk is superior in every way, even his crew is more bad-ass.
This causes a lot of contention in our home so we’ve waved the white flags and have moved on in agreement that Doctor Who is better than both Star Treks and Star Wars.
I recommend this school of thought for any nerd couples that face the Star Trek VS Star Wars age-old argument. The Doctor wins. Every single time.
6. Your significant other decides they want to take over the world; do you help them plan it out or tell them to knock it off and just go to sleep?
Terrye: If they are my significant other, it’s only because I allowed them to live. And they live only to serve me. I have already concurred the world and have my heart set on the universe.
Starr: When my significant other informs me of his plans to take over the world, they had better include me!
I have great ideas, y’know.
7. After watching The Walking Dead, your significant other creeps into the bedroom like a zombie, do you get it on zombie style or do you tell him to grow up and go take out the garbage?
Terrye: He can be the zombie and I’d go Daryl on his ass; tie him to the bed and torture my zombie until his skin fell off.
Starr: Are we both role-playing Zombies in this scenario or just him? *shrug* I’m game either way.
8. There’s an all-day marathon of The Big Bang Theory on television, do you forgo your daily responsibilities (which includes picking the kids up from school) and watch it, or do you turn off the television like a mature adult?
Terrye: I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested! I’ve watched every episode at least twice and have the current season scheduled on my DVR. So, I can pretend to be a mature adult and get my BBT on after the munchkin in quietly in bed. With an adult beverage.
Starr: Why would The Tinys be in school that day? I’m calling them out sick. My boys are playing hooky and watching the marathon with me.
9. The apocalypse happened; you’re the last person alive and about to catch a space ship to a new world, your suitcase can only hold three things, what do you bring?
Terrye: The recipe for whiskey, a towel (because you never know when you’ll need one), and my electronic gadgets.
Starr: Well, as Ford Prefect says, “If you want to survive out here, you've got to know where your towel is,” so I would have to pack my towel.
I have so many books and movies I wouldn’t want to leave behind but if I take Harley Quinn (my laptop) then I would have access to e-books, movies and the ability to write. (Assuming they offer Wi-Fi and Netflix in Space)
Wait, I need three more things! How can I cheat this? I’ll wear the towel and hide a purple pen inside my journal, which will go into the suitcase with Harley and a bottle of rum.
Because a girl’s got to have her priorities.
10. You’re lying in bed with your significant other and you have to fart, do you excuse yourself to the bathroom like a lady or do you release the beast in bed, possibly even give them a Dutch oven if the opportunity is there?
Terrye: I’d mummify his ass and pipe it in til he cried “my life for a bowl of fruitloops! Princess Bride is the best non-scifi movie ever made!”
Starr: Dutch ovens are just disgusting – even for me- but I have no problem with farting loud and proud. In fact, my farts are really loud and sound like quacking ducks, I wouldn’t want to keep all the funny to myself. I share it.
11. Video games, only for kids or a great source of entertainment?
Terrye: If wielded in the proper hands, video games are a great source of entertainment and keep the kids occupied (read: out of their parent’s hair) for hours, allowing the parents to not only conquer the world, but fend off hordes of zombies and predatory aliens.
Have you noticed that aliens and zombies have a lot in common? They both want us for our bodies.
Starr: Video games are fan-fucking-tastic.
12. You see a chick flirting with your significant other; do you give him an earful or beat the bitch down and claim your property?
Terrye: A beat down would be too good for her. I’d drive her to the heart of the zombie apocalypse, push her ass out of my truck, shoot her in the knee and leave her to ponder her mistake until the zombies chew through to her brain.
Starr: Wait, what? Someone else would flirt with him? Snort. Let him flirt, where’s the bar?
13. Comic books, perfectly suitable reading material or a total waste of time and not even fit to line a bird cage?
Terrye: Comic books are the 21st century equivalent of the Rosetta Stone.
Starr: I will knock someone’s fucking head off if I saw them lining a bird cage with a Comic Book. What kind of twat waffle would do that!?
Did you not notice what I named my laptop? Comic Books are awesome and deserve the same amount of respect as other books.
14. Sleeping attire, Victoria’s Secret undergarments, or a t-shirt and a pair of underoos with your favorite superhero on them?
Terrye: Sunday thru Thursday: Ripley tank top and panties
Friday & Saturday: Princess Leia slave outfit
Starr: T-shirt (with something nerdy on it) and Wonder Woman underooos.
15. You find your significant other bopping his bologna to his favorite fictional character; do you surprise him by dressing like that character the next time you’re in the bedroom or call him a pervert and throw him and all his shit out of the window?
Terrye: I would dress as his favorite fictional character and make him dress as mine. Then we battle to the death or until someone cries “uncle.” Then bump uglies like bunnies staring down the end of the world.
Starr: Neither. Haha, I would tease him for the rest of his life. In fact, I would strategically place little actions figures of said character all over the house and his car posed in naughty sexual positions. And I would laugh. Oh, how I would laugh.
16. Halloween, do you dress up or is it just for the kids?
Terrye: Every night is Halloween and it’s for anyone brave enough. Dress at your own risk, but we warned that mad, drunken orgies have been known to break out. Eyes Wide Shut.
Starr: I spend an entire year assimilating my costume. Because Halloween is serious business.
17. Time to play, girl toy or boy toy, are you a Barbie girl or a kickass hero/badass villain?
Terrye: Badass villain through and through. And I like the weapons to double as sex toys.
Starr: Barbies are lame. Give me Legos and action figures.
18. Scary movies with the lights off or a chick flick with a box of tissues?
Terrye: Aliens, aliens, and more aliens! Unless there are zombies! With a buzz from my favorite cocktail. With the lights off, the sound turned up and in surround so I can FEEL the guts being ripped out of the stupid and unsuspecting victim.
Starr: Scary movies with the lights off, because sappy shit is for girls.
19. You hear people quoting lines from their favorite movies/television shows, do you join in the fun or are you too sophisticated for that kind of nonsense?
Terrye: Join in but only recite quotes in Klingon or Romulan. I’d also make sure that they quoted correctly. Any misquote would result in Discommendation…immediately!
Starr: I’d join in. On a daily basis, I don’t think I get through a single hour without quoting or referencing a show or movie.
20. You’re at Walmart/Target, do you spend all your time in the clothes and jewelry sections or head over to the toys and electronic sections to see what’s up?
Terrye: Bee line for the electronics to check on the latest techo-gadgets, then to the blue ray section to pick up something for my library. After that, it’s off to Toys by way of the book section before hitting the snack aisle to select the perfect munching accompaniment for the latest scifi viewing marathon once we get home. Afterwards, acting out our favorite scenes with or without the action figures but always in costume.
Starr: There’s a jewelry and clothing section in Walmart?
I must have missed that while I was busy having light saber battles and playing the video games.
21. Vampires, glittery and in touch with their feelings like in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight or gritty and bloodthirsty like something you would find in a Stephen King book?
Terrye: I prefer originality, so if that means sparkly vampires, then so be it. Those are far scarier than anything the mediocre Stephen King could ever come up with. He just regurgitates characters created by others and tries to pass them off as his own original thoughts in recycled and boring story lines.
As for sparkly vampires, could you imagine going to a movie with your vampire and when the lights came on, they began to sparkle? That would instantly make them a target for every Neanderthal-like, backwards thinking imbecile under the roof, thinking they had to exude manliness by attempting to bully said sparkly vampire.
They would come in handy at Gay Pride parades and Girl Scout jamborees: instant attention grabbers because everyone would want to ‘touch the sparkle.’
Starr: Those THINGS in that moronic “writer’s” (and I use the title very loosely here) books are not Vampires. They don’t even have fangs! They’re fucking fairies, and in fact, the fairies in the Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) novels kick more ass than Edward and friends.
While Mr. King is my literary hero, and I rather enjoy Salem’s Lot- still not my favorite.
Give me the vampires from True Blood, the Anita Blake novels, or Anne Rice’s books. They’re also sexy and engage in some emotions, but only to a certain extent. They’re still bad ass mother fuckers and not pansy ass bitches like the Cullens. (But they have that “human side” to them instead of being mindless monsters.)
Braham Stoker’s Dracula was a pretty rad dude, too.
So there you have it, proof that they do exist, and they are just as cool as we thought they would be.