Wednesday, February 19, 2014

“My New Awesomeness”

My really good friend, and incredible artist, Mr. Guy White helped me bring a little flavor to my blogs. He created some logos that will help me stand out, help me rise above the rest, and like as if I was in the army, be all I can be.

Check them out and let me know what you think, then after you’re done coveting your neighbor’s logos, stop by and see what Guy’s been up too…trust me you won’t regret it.

You can find him on YouTube and Twitter, stop by and visit him, and make sure you show him lots of love, like as if he was your mommy.

Here’s what he came up with for “The Insane Asylum”…

Here’s what he came up with for “The Nerdy Side of Life”…

See what I mean, he’s the real deal…am I right? No go befriend him like as if he was Lassie, not that he’s a dog or anything like that, he’s just a kick ass companion to have by your side.


Monday, February 10, 2014

“Monster Mash”

Monsters, we have plenty of pictures of them (all out of focus of course), and everything we know about them (which isn’t very much) we learned from Hollywood, but all in all we don’t really know who they are inside, what makes them tick and why they feel the way they do.

I compiled a list of questions for the various monsters that we have come to know throughout the course of our lifetime, these are things that I really wish someone would ask them if the opportunity ever presented itself.

A way to get to know them better if you will, because trust me people, they will be a whole lot less scary if you knew who they were as a monster, and not just judge a book by its cover.

1. Do dragons light their own farts for fun?

2. Does Bigfoot go around bragging about his shoe size to all the ladies trying to impress them?

3. Do zombies pull off their appendages like some kind of parlor trick, hoping to be the life of the party?

4. Does the blob complain about having to pay for two seats on an airplane, or does he just suck it up and take it?

5. Does the invisible man have bad hair days?

6. Do unicorns feel sad because the only hat they can comfortably wear would be a dunce cap?

7. Do aliens, the outer space kind not the illegal kind, involve the anus in their sexual escapades, or is it strictly for probing?

8. Do robots do the robot dance, or do they find it offensive?

9. Does medusa believe the whole “beauty is only skin deep” thought process, or is it, “She’s here! She’s hideous! Get used to it!”?

10. Is a vampire bite the same thing as a vampire hickey?

11. Do werewolves give other werewolves cute pet names like Fido and Rover, or would such names be considered insulting?

12. Is it possible for Frankenstein to make it through airport security in time to catch his flight?

13. Does the creature from the black lagoon masturbate to pictures of mermaids or Jaws/Aquaman if he happens to be in the gay way?

14. Does the grim reaper celebrate birthdays, or is it against his religion?

15. If the mummy ever ran out of toilet paper while handling his business on the pot, would he use his wraps to clean up the hole, or just go around with pudding still left in the bowl?

16. How pissed would The Phantom of the Opera be if he tried out for American Idol and he didn’t get chosen to go to Hollywood?

17. Do Evolutionist believe that Godzilla evolve from King Kong?

18. Is there such a thing as midget giants?

19. Do ghosts ever watch the living have sex and mock and ridicule them and their technique?  

20. Does the chupacabra hate the fact that his name literally means to “goat sucker”, or has he just come to accept it?

21. Is Cookie Monster an addict, could we see a Sesame Street intervention in the near future, or does he really just like cookies a lot?

22. Is the Hunchback of Notre Dame depressed, is that why he hunches, or does the poor bastard just have really bad posture? 


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

“Nerd is the Word”

Remember when being a nerd meant you were going to be picked on by the jocks and the other cool kids, that your lunch money was going to be stolen and that you were guaranteed a wedgie and/or swirlie at least once a day.

Now however that is not the case, nerds are the cool kids, they are the people that others try to emulate and look up to, and they are even the subject matter of a hit television show.

This is like some kind of crazy Twilight Zone episode where the roles have been switched as a way to show the cool people what it’s like to not be cool, or a hidden camera show, I’m waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me I’ve been Punk'd.

It is as if we are living in a world that was once run by the Bart Simpsons and Fonzies of our society, but now in some strange twist, the Milhouse Van Houtens and Richie Cunninghams are running things, what the gre'thor is going on here.

I don’t know, something here isn’t right and I’m not really sure what’s going on here, it kind of feels like the calm before the storm, like the nerd shit is about to hit the fan or as if there is some sort of huge prank being played on us that will one day show up on YouTube making us look worse than we did before this all started.

I’m not trying to be cynical but something just doesn’t feel right, one day we are used as punching bags and ridiculed for our hobbies and interests, then the next, we are rockstars with our own set of geeky groupies, we’re like a nerdy version of KISS.

Even chicks dig nerdy guys; the whole nice guys finish last thing is no more, now the nice guys get more putang than criminals receive “get out of jail free” cards here in Florida.

And trust me I’m not complaining, because I am in fact a nerd, now of course I’m not as hardcore and/or as cool a nerd as people Lewis Skolnick (Revenge of the Nerds) or Napoleon Dynamite, but nevertheless I am still a nerd.

I have fantasies of watching a beach volleyball game (on a nude beach of course) being played by the Disney Princess’ and the girls of Marvel/DC, I play video games like most people play with themselves and I could be wearing shoes with holes and have an eviction notice on my door and I would still spend all my money on action figures and/or video games, okay that last example was more idiotic than nerdy, but you get the picture.

Now thinking about it, I guess based on the examples I just gave, I’m some kind of perverted white-trash nerdy gamer…I can live with that.