Monday, February 10, 2014

“Monster Mash”

Monsters, we have plenty of pictures of them (all out of focus of course), and everything we know about them (which isn’t very much) we learned from Hollywood, but all in all we don’t really know who they are inside, what makes them tick and why they feel the way they do.

I compiled a list of questions for the various monsters that we have come to know throughout the course of our lifetime, these are things that I really wish someone would ask them if the opportunity ever presented itself.

A way to get to know them better if you will, because trust me people, they will be a whole lot less scary if you knew who they were as a monster, and not just judge a book by its cover.

1. Do dragons light their own farts for fun?

2. Does Bigfoot go around bragging about his shoe size to all the ladies trying to impress them?

3. Do zombies pull off their appendages like some kind of parlor trick, hoping to be the life of the party?

4. Does the blob complain about having to pay for two seats on an airplane, or does he just suck it up and take it?

5. Does the invisible man have bad hair days?

6. Do unicorns feel sad because the only hat they can comfortably wear would be a dunce cap?

7. Do aliens, the outer space kind not the illegal kind, involve the anus in their sexual escapades, or is it strictly for probing?

8. Do robots do the robot dance, or do they find it offensive?

9. Does medusa believe the whole “beauty is only skin deep” thought process, or is it, “She’s here! She’s hideous! Get used to it!”?

10. Is a vampire bite the same thing as a vampire hickey?

11. Do werewolves give other werewolves cute pet names like Fido and Rover, or would such names be considered insulting?

12. Is it possible for Frankenstein to make it through airport security in time to catch his flight?

13. Does the creature from the black lagoon masturbate to pictures of mermaids or Jaws/Aquaman if he happens to be in the gay way?

14. Does the grim reaper celebrate birthdays, or is it against his religion?

15. If the mummy ever ran out of toilet paper while handling his business on the pot, would he use his wraps to clean up the hole, or just go around with pudding still left in the bowl?

16. How pissed would The Phantom of the Opera be if he tried out for American Idol and he didn’t get chosen to go to Hollywood?

17. Do Evolutionist believe that Godzilla evolve from King Kong?

18. Is there such a thing as midget giants?

19. Do ghosts ever watch the living have sex and mock and ridicule them and their technique?  

20. Does the chupacabra hate the fact that his name literally means to “goat sucker”, or has he just come to accept it?

21. Is Cookie Monster an addict, could we see a Sesame Street intervention in the near future, or does he really just like cookies a lot?

22. Is the Hunchback of Notre Dame depressed, is that why he hunches, or does the poor bastard just have really bad posture? 

MJM

30 comments:

  1. #18 - was not expecting that. Spewed my wine and stained my shirt, but the visual was worth it. I have crazy random thoughts all the time... I can relate. I don't think unicorns ever feel sad though..my 2 cents.

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    1. That's what I'm here for my friend, to get people to stain their shirts and spew their wine.

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  2. I have so many thoughts on this I almost want to do a MY 2 cents answer on each one. Vampire hickeys are so different than bites. Only Data from Star Trek would be offended, he's the only robot with an emotion chip. Unicorns just need an extra hole. For hats I mean. Deep thoughts, bro. Way to make us think.

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    1. I would love to hear your two cents to all my questions, I'm sure it would be a hoot. But seriously, an extra hole for a unicorn hat, what the poop girl.

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  3. You got me on #13--almost shot milk out through my nose.

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  4. Really some great questions! Just wondering if vampires have a midnight madness special at the dentist, or if they have to pay full prices? Ever wonder how long it takes a werewolf to comb his hair? Do Fairies get tired of being called fairies, even if they don't speak with a lisp? How in the hell does the Invisible Man know if he's done peeing or not? What do you give a mummy with an upset tummy? Have witches updated to microwaves, or do they still use cauldrons? How gentle does a zombie have to be when he masturbates? Was Medusa really the original stoner? There was King Kong in 1933, and the follow up Son of Kong in 1934, but what about the Bitch of Kong? Did she exist or was there a bunch of really loose female monkeys on the island pretending Ron Jeremy was visiting? If there was a Godzilla, was there an Atheistzilla? Just some food for thought. Good original idea and hilarious questions! Seriously! Enjoyed!

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    1. Um those were awesome questions, and if I was a shady individual, or a politician, I would so delete your comment and steal them all. Damn you stupid morals!

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  5. Further wonderful examples to illustrate your distinctive view on life, Great stuff! I think 1, 2, 8 & 10 are my particular favorites.

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    1. Thank buddy, it's all thanks to the new medication I'm on...oh so much fun.

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  6. hahaha love the one about the invisible man and bad hair days....oh and many others! GREAT list, Mike. "goat sucker" LMAO

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    1. Thanks girl...but for the record you're the goat sucker! Nah.

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  7. Once again my friend, you have come up with a wonderfully thought provoking post!!! Love the dragon one, the Madusa, the robots and of course the creature from the Black Lagoon! Still chuckling about that one!!! Bravo!

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    1. Thanks girl, I'm glad you enjoyed it. None of this would have been possible if my mom didn't drop me on my head when I was a baby.

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  8. Now I'm wondering if monsters only have sexual relations with their own kind or if they believe in cross-creature relationships. And what about the poor bastards that are one of a kind? Are they doomed to a life of masturbation?

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    1. You know what, you bring up a really good point. Do you think King Kong came about when a bigfoot and a giant did it?

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    2. That's a very good question. Hm....

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  9. Bwahahaha. Those poor, misunderstood monsters. Wait, what about goblins? You left out goblins. And trolls. Hmm. Might have to think about this one.

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    1. I didn't forget about goblins and trolls, I was saving them for later...yeah that's it.

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  10. You made me giggle at Werewolves called 'Fido'. And I've wondered about #19 myself...

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    1. Giggling is a lot of fun...ain't it? One day I hope to make you LOL, or even LMAO.

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  11. If you wrote a book called "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Monsters But Were Afraid to Ask", it would be a bestseller. Just sayin'

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    1. Hmmm now you got me thinking.

      Thanks for the love girl...you frigging rock!

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  12. And where is the follow up post with all of the answers? Maybe your "friends" need to help you out with that. You know research and stuff.
    And if the Phantom of the Opera was pissed, what would he do about it?

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    1. Girl I was actually hoping you would let me know what the answers were, you're the smart one here.

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  13. #18 had me laughing hard, and #19 I always wonder about, especially if it's my deceased relatives watching!

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    1. Thanks for reading my friend, I really appreciate it. I do get off a good one every now and then, mostly then, but who's counting.

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  14. Zombies as the life of the party. lol?

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    1. I get off a good one every now and then...mostly then, but who's counting.

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