Thursday, March 6, 2014

“Freaky Frankenstein”

Now in real life I have a hard enough time scoring with a blow up doll, let alone a real chick, and a hot one at that, but just for this piece I am traveling to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, think of me as Mister Rogers jacked up on Viagra, so now just sit right back as if you were Gilligan and you'll hear a tale of morbid perversion and the things that wet dreams (or nightmares depending on how you look at it) are made of.

It’s the end of the world as you know it, you are the sole survivor, and all you have is the clothes on your back and a book by the one and only Dr. Frankenstein simply titled, “Building Your Perfect Companion”.

A bomb went off that left everyone literally “resting in pieces”, body parts are scattered everywhere and they are ripe for the picking, you have the perfect opportunity to create your dream girl/guy without any restraints and/or criticism from others, so have at it.

Celebrity, athlete or just some hot person you knew in your everyday life before shit went down, no one is off limits and everything is up for grabs, think of it like a smorgasbord of body parts and you’re building a meal that will leave your taste buds in ecstasy.

Me personally I’m an everything man, if it’s part of a woman I’m loving it, just like McDonald’s baby, I know some men (and lesbians) say they are an ass person, a breast person, etc., well I say screw all that noise I love it all.

I was thinking I would go with Beyonce’s lower half for my sexy monster, for obvious reasons, but then I remembered that she’s been with Jay Z, and with me being so white that I’m almost transparent I knew I would have little to no chance of pleasing her as a result of that, so I decided against it…even after the apocalypse a man has to worry about his performance people.

My next choice was the lower half of Jennifer Lopez, who we all know has some really nice assets (huh huh), this chick was the reason God created legs and asses, not trying to sound sacrilegious here, just stating the truth.  

Now for the torso, and my choice would be the ever so voluptuous Kat Dennings, who might I add has some of the most beautiful silicone weapons of mass distraction I have ever seen, and J Lo’s dancer legs would have absolutely no problem holding those massive melons up.

Finally for the head, whose head would I be okay with looking at for the rest of my days, and my choice would be the hat rack of Michelle Pfeiffer, I mean the chick still looks hot after all these years, and that’s what you would want a dome that ages well.

Of course my freaky Frankenstein would need to get a tan to complete the package, but besides that, she would be ready to go and a nice piece of manmade arm candy.

Okay, your turn, whose body parts would you use to build your perfect beast?

MJM

40 comments:

  1. I'm happy with Dean Winchester, as is. ;)

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    1. No changes, not even in the "you know" area?

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  2. I haven't really fixated on peoples' body parts in that way.

    But my perfect guy would be tanned, lithe, muscly, with gorrrgeous hips (and hipbones you can see, with that muscled abdo which just...YUMMM)...and a perfect, peachy arse... and then just...

    SCULPTED. duuude. I can't even attach words to it. Defined and beautiful and probably with a few tats.

    And stubble. Because being kissed on the neck with a be-stubbled chin (I've learned, lately) makes me for REAL go weak at the knees.

    And as for the face...well...I'll go over to Beth's Pintrest board and throw a dart...

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    1. I can see a cold shower in your future, that or a little quality alone time if you catch my drift.

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    2. s'alright..it was date night. I'm all good.

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    3. I knew you were a super freak...me likey.

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    4. You knew quite right, darling!

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    5. I love it, we are two sick puppies and loving it.

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    6. Yes...just I haven't a tail to wag. Ah well. I'll roll in some dirt instead, and run around in circles with happiness.

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    7. No tail you say, well then shake what your mother gave you girl...shake your tail feathers.

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  3. Wow. Now that Kat Dennings does have great weapons there

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    1. Yes she does, and I can't lie, I wouldn't mind if she used them against me.

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  4. All right Michael, you picqued my curiosity and I hadda come see what you were up to...

    Kat Denning's rack-nice choice.

    Just spent part of the evening in between cleaning up massive amounts of puke watching Captain America: The First Avenger. I'd take some of that to go please... of course I'm quickly becoming delirious as I succumb to the flu too so just don't tell my secret bf, k?

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    1. Hmmm puke and Captain America, well I guess like they say, I different strokes for different folks

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  5. First person I thought of for body parts for you was Kat Dennings. She is scrumptious! BTW . . . all her. :)

    I think I would build my "perfect" man as a combo of Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Shemar Moore, and Channing Tatum . . . maybe a little Denzel for brains and Adam Sandler for funnies. You can wonder about which parts I would pick for each. Bwahahaha . . .

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    1. Judging by your answer alone, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that size does matter for you.

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    2. Size is important . . . I won't lie, but don't believe all the myths. . . I can say for sure they aren't true . . . sometimes they are, but not always. :P

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    3. I knew it! You don't date white guys.

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  6. I would just rebuild Johnny Depp. Every. Single. Piece. And savor every part!!

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  7. I was tempted to say a combination of Jennifer Aniston, Kate Winslet and Kylie Minogue, but then realized that would be a bit of a hotch-potch. So I'd just go for Jen in her late 30s - and keep her at that age for ever. Ah, what a nice thought.

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    1. Dudesy...that would be so freaking hot. I may need a cold shower after reading that.

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  8. First of all, can I please just applaud you for correctly identifying Frankenstein as the doctor and not the monster? HUGE pet peeve. Drives me fuggin nuts! My person would have Adrian Grenier's head and body and mouth. That mouth....sigh...ahem. And his stubble. I would love to feel his stubble on pretty much any part of me, but my neck or my chest, anywhere near the thigh. purrrr. I'm gonna need a moment now.

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  9. Literally the first name that popped into my mind....I don't know why, is Papa Smurf. WTF?? Probably b/c of the green skin of Frankenstein? Let's just go with that. I don't think "Smurf Fetish" is even a thing, they were like 4 inches tall, their WHOLE BODY so fuck tnat. Some giant then, is Andre the Giant still alive?? Guess it doesn't matter if I'm Frankensteining it ey?

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    1. Papa Smurf? Girl you are straight up freak.

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    2. Joy I have to agree with Lizzi on this one.

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  10. Wait, the Apocalypse has happened and all the men on Earth have been blown into smithereens?

    Build a new dude? Fuck that noise.

    I'm good.

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    1. Girl that was hilarious. As a man, even I would have to agree, us men suck ass.

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  11. I'm going to go nerd here and say that a healthy brain arouses me more than the body, but once in a great while, I do enjoy the male form (mostly the biceps) and I really, REALLY like the look of Chris Helmsworth in Thor. ;)

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    1. Stop lying, no one thinks brains are sexy.

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    2. Yuhuh! I do because I said so!

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    3. Sure, you just love yourself some big and hard...brains.

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  12. Your post & these comments are hilarious! Cameron Diaz would've been a nice head to top it off. She gorgeous, ages well, & has brains!

    <3 Carsla
    Founder & CEO of Connect-the-Cloths
    www.connect-the-cloths.com
    http://blogspotter.co/connect-the-cloths/
    A stylist, foodie, & writer's blog in development.

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    1. Thanks you. Diaz wouldn't be a bad choice, at least as far as looks are concerned, but honestly I'm not into the whole short hair look on women, so I would have to pass.

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  13. That's a mighty tasty combination, Mike. But you wouldn't know which bit to grab first - and by the time you'd made up your mind your Viagra would have worn off and you'd be as limp as a wet straw!

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    1. You're probably right, so just to be safe I better bring lots of Viagra back up pills, keep them in a Pez dispenser or something...just in case.

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  14. You had me at...
    "Now in real life I have a hard enough time scoring with a blow up doll, let alone a real chick"
    How about the arms of a Durga? Imagine the hand jobs. Or the head of Anne Ramsay from Throw Momma From The Train coupled with the legs of Foghorn Leghorn.
    Is this thing on?

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    1. That is one hot mess my friend, it could be a really good time or a complete disaster, but I'm totally up for the challenge.

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