Friday, May 23, 2014

“Evil Genius”

If I was an evil genius, hell-bent on taking over the world, what would I do?

I would find myself a bunch of trained monkeys to my bidding, and I would call them Republicrats, just to piss off both sides and to show them how ridiculous they all look.

I would make it illegal for heterosexual couples to marry, only because I don’t want them ruining the sanctity of marriage in my new world, homosexuals okay but anyone else no way.

I would allow all pets to keep their junk intact, while instead spaying and neutering all people dumb enough to align themselves with one political party or another, because who the hell wants stupid people voting on who the next person to run our country will be…does the name Obama ring a bell.

I would have the penalty for all crimes committed to be death, regardless of what it is; if you do something wrong on my watch you’re ending up in the electric chair or covered in sugar glaze and dropped in a pit full of hungry fat people.

I would make it legal to smack the shit out of idiots, one smack for every idiotic word and/or action they said/made, I know this may sound cruel and unusual, but trust me it will really make people think before they speak and/or act.

I would have a police force dedicated to the fashion betterment of the world’s people as a whole, they would make sure that people aren't wearing sunglasses indoors, bomb belts under their robes and/or sagging their pants in public.

I would make it where every bedroom in every house had to be occupied, there would be no such thing as a “guest bedroom”, so if you happen to have an extra bedroom you either move in a family member you can tolerate or adopt a homeless person.

I would make the woman’s body her business, and any man and/or organization that attempted to dictate to her how she should live and/or treat it will get their balls clipped and made into earrings for said woman/women.

I would make all drugs legal, but only in certain places like Florida, Utah and Washington D.C., because that way if you wanted to do them you would have to move to one of those specified areas (and stay in one of those areas)…and honestly if you’ve ever been to one of these areas you would know that this wouldn’t make much of a difference.

I would make get rid of all thongs, men and women’s both, because there is no way that crap is comfortable and/or healthy for you cheeks, and there is no way to convince me otherwise.

I would implement a mandatory pay cut to all celebrities, professional athletes and anyone else making an exuberant amount of money for basically doing nothing, and give the extra money to the people who truly deserve it like our teachers, police/fire and of course the military, and if those people have a problem with the pay cut they could always go work fastfood and/or bag groceries.

I would introduce anyone to the backside of my hand who waited for a specific day (i.e. Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, etc.) to show others just how much they mean to us and our country.

Well there you have it, things I would do to win over the masses and allow me to rule with an iron fist…it feels so good to be so bad.