Friday, August 29, 2014

“Monster Mingling”

I’ve had many crazy encounters throughout the course of my lifetime, but none of them as creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky, and all together ooky, then I did when I went through my monster mingling phase.

Here are some of the experiences I had during this time, and I must be honest, they weren’t always my proudest moments.

I once hung out with…

The Wolfman, but he kept going after my bone and howling at my moon, and I was having no part of that because I didn’t swing that way.

Godzilla, but the bitch had a serious god complex, so I had to bounce before I went all King Kong on his ass.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon, but I couldn't trust him because he was one slippery fella.

A vampire, but as soon as I heard, "I want to suck..." I pulled down my pants and she got offended and flew away.

A robot, but he was no fun to watch TV with because I couldn’t use the remote control without his circuitry going all haywire and junk, and there was no way I was changing the channels manually so that didn’t last.

A Centaur, but not for long because certain appendages of his were intimidating and making me feel less of a man, and he refused to wear pants so I left.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but he kept dropping this hot and sticky white goo on me and I was freaking out because I couldn't tell if it was sweat or something else more disgusting.

Bigfoot, we used to go clubbing, but I got annoyed because he got all the chicks and all I kept hearing was, "you know what they say about men with big feet".

An alien, well more like abducted by an alien but you get the point, and I got thrown back as if I was an inadequate catch, they told me to take them to my leader and when I did they weren't impressed (stupid Obama)…I didn't even get an anal probing.

The Headless Horseman, but boy was he stingy, no matter what I said or did he wouldn’t give me any head.

A Minotaur, the dude was hornier than a dog in heat, every time I turned around the bastard was trying to steal a sip of my milkshake, and there was no way I was going to let him wreck my junk like a bull in a China shop.

Cookie Monster, the dude is an addict, and I don’t just mean with cookies because that’s just a front, that nut does more drugs than Courtney Love.

Medusa, but she kept accusing me of lying because I wouldn’t look her in the eye when we spoke, that and her stupid hair ate my hamsters.

Frankenstein, but the punk couldn’t take a joke; he got all offended just because I asked to rest my drink on the top of his head while I used the bolts on his neck to jump my car.

A politician, and honestly they were the scariest of all, constantly trying to beat me down mentally so that I would join their brain dead army and do their every bidding…I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “red and blue are coming for you!

So there you have it, my escapes with the things that go bump in the night, and as I told you prior they were not at all flattering and/or glamorous.