Thursday, February 12, 2015

“Heaven & Hell: Angels & Demons”

We have all heard about heaven and hell, angels and demons, at least some point or another in our lives.

Heaven is where all the good people go when they die.

They grow wings and halos and for some odd reason learn how to play the harp without ever taking a lesson whatsoever.

The whole time chilling out with all their family and friends, because of course anyone they cared about would be in heaven with them and not in hell with all the bad people, that is of course unless they are an in-law…especially a mother-in-law.

Hell is where all the politicians and people who are not just like us go when they die.

They grow horns and carry around pitchforks and turn all bright red like Caucasians with really bad sunburns.

The whole time partying it up in the sweltering heat while being surrounded by a bunch of nasty bitches and bastards, it’s kind of like living in Florida.

I just have a few questions that have been on my mind ever since the first time I've heard of these places, so I figured I would ask the ever so trustworthy and well-mannered people of the internet.  

So here goes…

1. Why is heaven the place to be and hell where one would want to avoid at all costs as if it was the Walmart of the afterlife, isn't that all just a matter of prospective?

2. Do you think that demons ever get tired of lighting their own farts, it’s not like they really have a choice in the matter, and I’m sure after the first fifty times or so it has to get old?

3. Considering that all gays are going to hell (according to some), does that mean that there's nothing but straight porn in heaven, no lesbians, just plain old boring heterosexual crap?

4. Being familiar with humans as we are, do you think our soul is bounced back and forth between heaven and hell like some kind of supernatural volleyball game, until we die and one side or the other finally scores our soul?

5. Do you think that some angels have vacation homes in hell that they travel to when winter comes to heaven?

6. Was there ever a ”Romeo and Juliet” type of scenario between an angel and demon, or do they pretty much just stick to their own like the KKK?

7. A husband and wife die, one goes to heaven and the other hell, are they allowed to call each other, and if so are those calls considered long distance calls?

8. Heaven is supposed to be this amazing place, better than anything you could ever imagine.

I just don’t see how that’s possible, considering as an angel you are either hanging out on people’s shoulders opposite of devils trying to convince them to do the right thing or stuck being a guardian to some fool who isn't able to take care of him/herself.

Honestly that just doesn't sound all the great.

(The End)

Well anyone care to step up to the plate and help me figure out these quandaries?



  1. I think this is all great but it contradicts the Free Will I have been given. See? If God gave us Free Will then condems us to hell for exercising that Free Will, I say, I will meet you all there I guess. Heaven should be a pretty empty place. Don't you think?

    1. You know what, you do make an interesting point, definitely something to think about for sure.

  2. I'll be in Hell, serving drinks . . . party on! :)

    1. Party on girl! You should serve Fireball, it seems so fitting.

  3. As an immortal God Goddess...I figure I should have the run of both Heaven and Hell...whatever that may be...

    1. I'm sure God/Satan would be more than welcoming to you.