When it comes to superheroes I have some questions, and not your typical “who could beat who” nonsense, but rather something deeper and darker. Something’s that should possible stay hidden away like their secret identities, only to protect the innocent of course. The things I want to know are perverted, off-color and to some even downright disgusting. This is stuff we all want to know but most are too embarrassed to ask because they don’t want to come off as odd or immature, but thankfully I’m way past that so here goes.
Consider yourself warned like a hero who just foiled a villain’s master plan and is told by said villain that they will indeed be back to get their revenge! However, if you’re okay with that and willing to come along for the ride than buckle up and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times.
1. Would sex with Shazam be considered statutory rape?
2. Is giving Superman oral sex the same thing as sucking on the barrel of a
loaded 12-guage shotgun with a hair trigger?
3. Does Aquaman bob his fish stick; spank his sea monkey, to the mermaid on the Chicken of the Sea tuna label or does he prefer women with legs who don’t feel all that fresh, you know like they’re not going to be playing tennis and/or horseback riding anytime soon?
4. Did Reed Richards get the name Mr. Fantastic because of the things he can do in the bedroom? Think about it, his junk could go from white to black in the blink of an eye! He could also act as his own condom, so you could have that raw dog feel without the risk of disease or something even worse, kids!
5. Is Stripperella's superpower that she can take in all of Tommy Lee's (Motley Crue) albino anaconda without crying? Do you think she’s working her way through superhero school?
6. Do you think that Bruce Wayne talks in the "Batman" voice when he's pleasuring himself? When he does the deed with one of his lady friends, or Robin (Holy Butt Sex, Batman) if he goes that way, do “Bat-Fight Words” like POW, BAM and KAPOW pop up?
7. Does the Thing call his manhood the Thingie?
8. Does Stan Lee shout out, “excelsior” when he climaxes?
9. Is Ghost Rider’s bone a bone, and if so is it flaming like his head?
10. Have the Joker and Harley Quinn ever been guests on The Jerry Springer Show, and if they haven’t they totally should be, imagine all the shenanigans, chaos and ratings that would bring?
11. Do you think that the Hulk is secretly gay and afraid to come out of the closet due to fear of ridicule, thus causing all that animosity and rage towards his fellow heroes? I mean come on, who else besides a gay guy would refer to himself as “incredible”? He obviously hits the gym like a gay guy would, just check out the physique. Now if we were talking about the Blob, there would be no doubt in my mind that he’s straight. I personally think the Jade Giant has a thing (a great big green thing huh huh) for Wolverine. Speaking of dude-on-dude action, would it be consider incest if the gray and green Hulk got it on or jungle fever?
12. Do female superheroes/villains get pissed that they have to run around in next to nothing while for the most part their male counterparts are covered from head to toe? Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining about this arrangement at all, I just don’t want Wonder Woman going all Amazonian on me for being sexist.
13. With a name like “Daredevil”, one would believe that he would have no problem utilizing all the random glory holes he finds throughout the city, am I right? He is “The man without fear” after all.
14. Does being known as, "The fastest man alive" hurt the Flash’s chances with the ladies? I’m sure no woman wants to risk a “bushfire” from all the speed and friction that dude would bring onto her lady parts.
15. Does PETA get upset when people have sex with the Beast, and speaking of which, is it considered bestiality or just some crazy fetish?
16. Spider-man’s junk, does it shoot out your typical man’s milk when all is said and done or does it shoot out webs? Is it easier or harder to get pregnant from webs?
17. How often is Hellboy horny?
18. Do superheroes/villains dress up as regular people when they go to conventions?
19. Al Simmons (Spawn) has to be into sadomasochism and bondage, right? I mean he hangs around with a guy named “Violator” (who dresses like a clown mind you), which leaves one to wonder what it is exactly that he’s violating! Yes, Mistress Malebolgia…just saying.
20. Could Groot be the offspring of Swamp Thing and the Tree of Souls (Na'vi name: Vitraya Ramunong - Avatar)? Perhaps one day Swamp Thing shot his sap all over the tree's roots and then the next thing you know, along came Groot.
21. Is Squirrel Girl is really all about the nut or is she just a big tease?
22. Does Darkman use condoms or does he just slap on some of that synthetic skin he invented and he’s good to go? Does his manhood look like a Slim Jim? Imagine all the fun you could have role-playing with him in the bedroom!
23. I’m convinced that Handi-Man’s secret identity is none other than President Donald Trump! Think about it, who would suspect him? He openly mocks and attacks minorities and handicapped people to throw everyone off his scent. Him being a handicapped minority superhero, the only thing that would make it better is if he was Handi-Lesbian!
24. Deadshot never misses! Now with that said it must be true that he is just as accurate with his love gun as he is with a real gun, right? They both shoot projectiles and depending on the circumstances both are just as dangerous. If he happens to get a female pregnant, or glue her eye shut it's because he meant to do that shit, no excuses. I can only imagine the kind of trouble this guy gets into. I do wonder if his sperm is just as lethal, for example could they get someone pregnant and also give them an abortion at the same time?
25. Do you think Cable sometimes masturbates with his metal hand so that he can pretend he’s getting a handjob by a robot?
Well there you have it, some of the strange and unusual things that dwell in the depths of my ever-so-perverted mind. I can’t be alone here, but who else is going to openly admit to wondering these things too? Feel free to let me know your thoughts and to share any questions on the topic you may have.